Rumors of God’s retirement

July 21, 2010 | By | 1 Reply More

Direct from The Onion:

[T]he Divine Creator fielded questions regarding rumors of his possible retirement.

“I’ve been at this a long time,” said God, ∞, the all-knowing, all-powerful being who has presided over the cosmos since forming it from sheer nothingness nearly 14 billion years ago. “And the truth is, this was never something I planned on doing forever. Lately, in fact, I’ve begun to wonder if I should move on sooner rather than later.”

Over the past few centuries, God has on numerous occasions deflected speculation that his reign might be winding down, but his remarks Tuesday appeared to signal a shift in celestial policy. . . .

God mentioned that he deeply lamented missing his only child’s once-in-a-lifetime crucifixion.

“Your son’s down there being martyred in front of all these people, but you can’t be there for it,” said God, his voice cracking slightly. “He thought I’d forsaken him. Of course, I was tied up working on something that seemed important at the time but that I can’t even remember now. And I’ll never get that moment back.”

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Category: Humor

About the Author ()

Erich Vieth is an attorney focusing on consumer law litigation and appellate practice. He is also a working musician and a writer, having founded Dangerous Intersection in 2006. Erich lives in the Shaw Neighborhood of St. Louis, Missouri, where he lives half-time with his two extraordinary daughters.

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  1. Tim Hogan says:

    Yep, the Old man retired…and left ME in charge! Watch out ya buncha immoral nihilists!

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