The mind of Steven Wright

October 10, 2008 | By | 1 Reply More

From the first time I saw him perform I loved the deadpan comedy of Steven Wright. His view of life is coldly objective and sometimes skewed, but always funny. Here are a few of my favorite one-liners, some of which are relevant to the ongoing conversations here at DI.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

So, what’s the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic?”

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”… What’s my mother going to do?

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Want more? Go here.

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Category: American Culture, Entertainment, Humor, Meaning of Life, Quotes, Whimsy

About the Author ()

Mike Pulcinella is a documentary filmmaker.

Comments (1)

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  1. Erich Vieth says:

    Mike: I've always enjoyed Steven Wright's work. Thanks for the reminder why.

    Although not of the same genre, here's a quote I noticed today:

    "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross."

    Sinclair Lewis

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