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Tag: "Onion"

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The Onion presents the formula for bullshit stories

A few weeks ago, I posted on a terrific video on a tried-and-true formula, “A Standard News Report,” used by television “news” stations to package non-stories in order to present them to the public as “news.”

Now, The Onion has presented its own version of packaging used by television “news” stations for presenting non-stories as “news” stories. Quite funny, yet serious and well-concocted. The Onion’s video looks like a news story about non-news stories, yet it presents a topic that is certainly newsworthy.


Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Speaking of The Onion, check out a new written Onion story on bigotry. Here’s an excerpt:

A coalition of the nation’s most fervent bigots convened in Washington Monday to address growing concerns that the production of hateful new racial slurs has failed to keep pace with the rise in mixed-race births.

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The Onion: New law bans loveless marriages

Controversial new law bans marriages except between people who actually love each other:


New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other

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The Onion:  Bald Eagle frustrated at sterotyping

The Onion: Bald Eagle frustrated at sterotyping

According to The Onion, an American bald eagle has spoken out, frustrated that so many people assume that he is pro-war.

Frustrated by the widely held assumption that he unequivocally endorses the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, a bald eagle said Monday that his thoughts on the conflicts were far more nuanced than many Americans might expect. Speaking to reporters from his nest in the upper branches of a 175-foot ponderosa pine tree, the eagle explained that each member of his species was different and none should be taken for granted as a lockstep supporter of American military policy.

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The Onion reports on newly passed abortion laws

The Onion Network News has issued this report on a slew of new laws aimed at preventing abortions.


New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

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George W. Bush has a chuckle that he was actually president.

The Onion reports that George W. Bush has been having a chuckle or two thinking that he was President for eight years:

Witnesses said the former president’s chuckling grew even stronger as it dawned on him that, for eight straight years beginning in January 2001, he had the power to nominate executive and judicial officers to the federal government, as well as grant unlimited presidential pardons and reprieves if he so desired.

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Facebook stalking by parents

Should parents stalk their kids on Facebook? The Onion reports:


Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

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Conspiracy theorist convinces Neil Armstrong that moon landing was hoax

Conspiracy theorist convinces Neil Armstrong that moon landing was hoax

This is quite amazing. A conspiracy theorist has now convinced astronaut Neil Armstrong that claims of moon landings are hoaxes. The Onion reports:

Apollo 11 mission commander and famed astronaut Neil Armstrong shocked reporters at a press conference Monday, announcing he had been convinced that his historic first step on the moon was part of an elaborate hoax orchestrated by the United States government.

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The Onion on Health Care

The Onion is now weighing in on health care reform. The title to the Onion’s article says it all: “Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care.”

It’s well worth a read, if you like humor with an especially sharp edge on especially serious topics.

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President Obama’s bold plan to trim defense spending

President Barack Obama has boldly intervened to trim wasteful defense spending, much to the consternation of the military. The Onion reports:


Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon

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The problem with pay phones

What is the problem with pay phones? The Onion reports . . .

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Father of two charged in child poisoning case

Father of two charged in child poisoning case

ASSIMULATED PRESS

Regency, Alabama - A prominent business owner is being charged in the poisoning and near death of his two children.

Alabama Child Protective Services was notified when the children of prominent Regency land developer Ian Oda were brought into Eden County General Hospital convulsing and showing other signs of poisoning. When questioned about what had happened, Mr. Oda explained that the children, Alex 7 and Elizabeth 6, had ingested poisoned food that he had warned them not to eat. “I told them the rules and they disobeyed me. This is their fault.”

Police and CPS agents were dispatched to the Oda home where they found an elaborate fenced-in playground which had been built specifically for the children. Neighbors reported that they had seen the children enjoying themselves and running naked around the playground for several days before the incident. Food, snacks and beverages were scattered throughout the area. However, some of the treats had been laced with strychnine and piled all together at the base of a large apple tree.

Further complicating matters was the news that a former employee of Mr. Oda had been seen talking to the children shortly before they arrived at the hospital. Mr. Levi Natas had been overheard telling Elizabeth that the poisoned snacks were actually the tastiest snacks of all and that their father was hoarding them for himself.

Mr. Natas had worked for Mr. Oda’s company for many years but had a falling out and been let go under contentious circumstances in 2004. Mr. Natas then started his own rival company in Regency and has been notorious for trying to undermine many of Mr. Oda’s construction projects.

When questioned about the incident Mr. Oda said, “Oh yes, I saw Mr. Natas talking to Elizabeth. I saw everything. My living room window overlooks the playground. But the children knew the rules. That was the only pile of snacks I had asked them not to eat.”

Mr. Oda faces charges of reckless endangerment. Although the children have recovered, Mr. Oda stated to police that they are no longer welcome in his home, will never be allowed back into the playground, and that their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will also never be allowed to play there.

In a prepared statement which Mr. Oda dictated to one of his assistants while the assistant was asleep, he proclaimed, “I have an employee that can clean up this mess. I promise I will send him. But it may take a few thousand years before I get around to it.”

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The Onion: Time to address gratuitous violence of dreams

What about the problem of dream violence? Onion Network News is right on it.


Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?

If you found this Dream Violence video worthy, check out this additional Onion report that Americans are increasingly outsourcing their own jobs.

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The Onion: Nervous-looking Pope says it’s now OK to have an abortion

According to the Onion, the Pope, looking panicked, proclaimed that it is actually OK to have abortion, reversing a long-standing ban on abortions.