Tell Me a Joke

Sunday evening I was at a Halloween party, just milling around. Suddenly a tall twenty-something blond in a little black dress appeared in front of me, eagerly brandished a bag of candy, looked directly into my eyes, smiled shyly, and said, "Tell me a joke." Um. I draw a blank. In casual conversation , I am usually full of amusing allusions, anecdotes, word play, and allegory. But I stare helplessly at this vision with her eager smile, silent. I can't think of a thing to say. She stands there waiting. Anyone who has been through college knows about test freeze. You have the answers somewhere in your head, but an impenetrable glacial wall prevents you from getting to them. It was much like that. My mind was a-whorl and adrift. I know that I know a few thousand jokes. Too many of them unusable for a variety of reasons, mostly obsolescence. But I cannot come up with anything. Then another young woman comes up behind me and offers answers. She starts in with a series of blond jokes! Oy, I think, vay. This isn't helping. I mutter something like, "Catch me later," and wander off. Now in retrospect, I ask myself, "Where are my jokes?" I never have been an adept social animal. But I have read dozens of joke books, and scholarly articles on humor. But my lifestyle may also cripple me. I am not agoraphobic, but I don't often meet people in conversational settings. I work from home, communicating primarily by email. I field few phone calls; spending maybe a half hour of phone time a week. Face time? Aside from my wife, I usually go for a week at a time without conversing beyond pleasantries. This is far from the typical office or factory setting where one interrupts conversations to get occasional hours of work in, or where one can converse while working. Most of the joke books I have predate color television. Jokes about FDR or LBJ don't play well any more. Those jokes that I can use are pretty long. Too long to use as a glib response to, "Tell me a joke." I also haven't watched television or listened to talk radio for a couple of months, so I have no idea what currently is passing for humor. But enough about my infirmities. Tell me a joke that I can collect in a repertoire, in case I get another such opportunity.

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The Pundit’s Whine

I try to ignore Glenn Beck. I think he’s pathetic. All he can do is whine about things he quite often doesn’t understand. For instance, his latest peeve has to do with being bumped out of line by science fiction. Yeah, that’s right. Glenn Beck’s book Broke has been number 1 on Amazon for a while and it apparently got beat out finally by a science fiction anthology. His complaint that this is from “the left” is telling. First off he’s trying to make it sound like some profound philosophical issue, that a science fiction collection outsold his book on Amazon. (He also noted that the Keith Richards autobiography bumped him as well and please note the twist he gives that.) Why the Left? Is science fiction a left-wing thing? I know a lot of SF writers who style themselves right-wing, libertarian, conservative, etc. Some of them are very good, too, and I have read some of their work with pleasure. Unless they were writing from an overtly political stance, I found no reason to call them on their “rightishness” because they outsold another writer’s work that might have been a bit leftish. This is just a silly complaint and displays an obsession with partisan politics or just immaturity. This is, of course, Glenn Beck we’re talking about, who seems to find more reasons to evoke Nazi similes than any other pundit I know of and has occasionally shed tears over the abuse he sees our great country enduring from the left. But this is ridiculous. Because isn’t this…I mean, Glenn, isn’t this just the free market making itself heard? Your book can’t stay number one because that would belie the whole principle of competition you claim to believe in. Everybody who works hard and honestly should have their shot at being number one for a little while and this anthology is a poster-child for hard work and perseverance because, well, it’s self-published! It doesn’t even have a major (or minor) publishing house behind it! It got there all on its own, man! This is the flower of the free market! David whupping Goliath’s ass! This should make you proud! No, he berates it because it has to do with death or the culture of death, which he equates with left-wing politics somehow. And for good measure drags Keith Richards into the whole death equation. [More . . . ]

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Things I don’t have to think about…

From Whatever. "Today I don’t have to think about those who hear “terrorist” when I speak my faith. Today I don’t have to think about men who don’t believe no means no. Today I don’t have to think about how the world is made for people who move differently than I do. Today I don’t have to think about whether I’m married, depending on what state I’m in. Today I don’t have to think about how I’m going to hail a cab past midnight." "Today I don’t have to think about whether store security is tailing me. Today I don’t have to think about the look on the face of the person about to sit next to me on a plane. Today I don’t have to think about eyes going to my chest first. Today I don’t have to think about what people might think if they knew the medicines I took. Today I don’t have to think about getting kicked out of a mall when I kiss my beloved hello." "Today I don’t have to think about if it’s safe to hold my beloved’s hand. Today I don’t have to think about whether I’m being pulled over for anything other than speeding. Today I don’t have to think about being classified as one of “those people.” Today I don’t have to think about making less than someone else for the same job at the same place. Today I don’t have to think about the people who stare, or the people who pretend I don’t exist." [More . . . ]

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