Eric Barker Suggests What We Can Do About Anger

I've followed Eric Barker for years. He scours the literature for tips on how to navigate through life.  His recent post is how to deal with anger. Here is an excerpt:

Take a second to be honest with yourself when you’re angry and you’ll often find one of three beliefs is beneath your thinking:

    • I must achieve perfection or I’m a failure and a horrible person.
    • People must treat me as I wish, or else they are horrible and deserve severe punishment
    • Life must be fair and easy. Otherwise, it’s intolerable.

What do they all have in common? Yes, they’re all unrealistic. They all also contain the word “must.” It’s just as bad as “should.” Every “must”, “should”, and “ought” is a landmine waiting to be tread upon.

They all imply you have control over things you don’t have control over. I greatly appreciate you feeling responsible for maintaining justice in the universe but you haven’t been granted the power to enforce it and that fact is now driving you insane. Do you have an enemy here? Yes. Yourself.

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The Most Dangerous Lies

Sahil Bloom most warns that the most damning lie is the lie you tell to yourself. He then offers a list of the most dangerous lies, including these:

"When I get [X], then I'll be happy" "This is just who I am" "I don't have time for [X]" "I'm not capable of [X]" "I know exactly what I'm doing" "They just got lucky"

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Jordan Peterson: The Danger of Obsessing About Yourself

Jordan Peterson had a long and intense discussion with writer Helen Joyce about transgender ideology. It is a well-worth listening to the entire episode, including the discussions of social contagion, the reasons girls reject their own bodies, the disrespect shown to older women (by younger women) and the pervasive role of narcisism. Peterson, who has worked as a clinical psychologist, offers this advice for people who suffer from social anxiety. From my personal anecdotal experience, I think this is spot on and important to note:

Helen Joyce: And alongside that, that you must choose your identity off a list of dozens, and sometimes hundreds, that require the most intense, constant rumination and self-examination. I mean, I was talking to somebody just yesterday--who was telling me that who has this check sheet for how do I feel? ... But you were meant to be thinking all the time, like, how am I feeling right now? And it was, you know, on a scale of one to 10, how happy am I? This is all a terribly bad idea.

Jordan Peterson: Well, it's clearly bad. One of the things I learned when I was treating people who were socially anxious, I had a lot of anxious people in my, in my clinical practice, which is hardly surprising because that that's the kind of suffering that requires people to seek clinical intervention. Socially anxious people, when they go into a new social situation, think obsessively about how others are thinking about them. Yes. And so then they become self conscious often about bodily issues. But not only that, they might become self conscious about their lack of conversational ability, and the fact that they're not very interesting, and the fact that they're being evaluated by other people, it's a litany of obsessive thoughts. And you can, you might say, well, you can train people to stop thinking about themselves. But you can't stop people from thinking about something by telling them to stop thinking about something. But what you can train people to do is to think more about other people. And so one of the techniques that I used in my practice was okay, now, when you go into a social situation next time, like we'd go through the niceties of introducing yourself and making sure they knew your name, and get that ritualized, so that it was practiced and expert and therefore not a source of anxiety. But the next thing is, your job is to make the other person that you're talking to as comfortable as possible, to pay as much attention to them. And so we know that the more you think about yourself--this is literally true--there is no difference between thinking about yourself, and being miserable. They load on the same statistical axis. And so these kids that are constantly being tormented by 150 identities, that's a front not of freedom, but of utter chaos. And then asked to constantly reflect on their own state of emotional well being and happiness is the surest route to the kind of misery that's going to open them up to psychogenic epidemics. The clinical data on that are clear.

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Quitting is Absolutely Required if you want to Make Room for New Things

You won't have time or energy to do new things unless you clear out some old things. This applies to everything you do, such as work projects, hobbies, commitments to organizations and friendships. It's much like the stuff in your house. If you want to bring in new stuff for your house, you will need to give away or throw away some old stuff. If you fail to make room for new things, you will clog your house with too much stuff, making it unlivable, life-destroying.

That is the point of the following quote by Annie Duke, from her book, Quit: The Art of Knowing When to Walk Away (2022):

A common misconception about quitting is that it will slow your progress or stop it altogether. But it is the reverse that is actually true. If you stick to a path that is no longer worth pursuing, whether it’s a relationship that isn’t going well, or a stock that you’re invested in that’s losing money, or an employee that you’ve hired who isn’t performing, that is when you lose ground. By not quitting, you are missing out on the opportunity to switch to something that will create more progress toward your goals. Anytime you stay mired in a losing endeavor, that is when you are slowing your progress. Anytime you stick to something when there are better opportunities out there, that is when you are slowing your progress. Contrary to popular belief, quitting will get you to where you want to go faster.

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