The stress children put on a marriage

The happily ever after trope goes something like this:  Love, marriage, children, happiness.   However, that is not what the statistics show.  "Parents often become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the details of parenting."  The source of this sad passage is "Decades of Studies Show What Happens to Marriages After Having Kids," in Fortune Magazine. The statistics show that having children drives a married couple apart more than it brings them more closely together:

The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them divorcing also declines. So, having children may make you miserable, but you’ll be miserable together.

Worse still, this decrease in marital satisfaction likely leads to a change in general happiness, because the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction is one’s satisfaction with their spouse.

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Bill Nye on the foolish concept of race

I completely agree with Bill Nye on the issue of "race." We should all reject the concept of "race." It is wholly and completely unscientific. We are all of the same species: We are all human beings. Yes, we humans come with different skin colors and we have various features that differ based on our ancestry, but we are all human. In rejecting the concept of "race," I would urge that we maintain and vigorously enforce laws that protect people from other people who foolishly continue to believe in "race" and act on that foolish belief. If we keep clinging to unscientific unsupported notions of "race," though, we will FOREVER be divided for an idiotic reason, regardless of how well-intentioned our belief in "race." Unfortunately, the belief in "race" has long been widespread; and it has long been institutionalized and repeatedly used as a tool for oppression, power and financial gain. Rooting it out of every little corner of the planet will be an immense task requiring that people listen closely to those who do careful science on this issue, and then do their utmost to recognize that every person is of the same species. Nye does not reject that there are such things as social tribes but warns that they can be destructive: "There have always been tribes . . .but what we have to appreciate now is that we live in a global community. Tribal loyalties are fun when it comes to the Superbowl but they are not relevant when it comes to our future. We are all in this together.” We can fully recognize the need to protect people from racism and racialism while rejecting the concept of race. In my view, we should all be fighting a two front war. Deny the existence of race while at the same time protecting people from the ravages of racism. To anticipate objections to this post, yes, race is social construct that is as real as any social construct. But it is inevitably and ultimately a destructive social construct. It's time to dismantle it while carefully protecting people from bigots. We can fully recognize the need to protect people from racism and racialism while rejecting the concept of race. In my view, we should all be fighting a two front war. Deny the existence of race while at the same time protecting people from the ravages of racism. I thought I made this clear. Yes, race is social construct that is as real as any social construct. It is an ultimately destructive social construct. Time to dismantle it while protecting people from bigots. I'm too impatient to wait for those who embrace "race" to wear each other out with insults, wounds and killings. I'm certainly not willing to wait for an interplanetary diaspora. I want the stupidity (and consequent mistreatment of innocent human beings) to stop NOW. There is no need to wait any longer. We can get entirely rid of the notion of race while yet embracing friendships, communities, extended families and extended ancestry, as well as 80,000 types of diversity rooted in real life things. And let's keep in mind that ALL of us have ancestry that undeniably extends to the same place: Africa. We are all ultimately African. Starting now, let's seek diversity only in meaningful things, such as the content of our character. It will take many people immense effort to break out of the racialist matrix. One of my early steps out was reading about Star-Bellied Sneetches, a book demonstrating that even young children understand the problem. The concept of race is poisonous--used for mischief wherever it is used What I propose is that we embrace people while rejecting race. this topic really frustrates me because we are all victims of this "race" scam yet we all continue to cling to this empty dangerous concept that you can use a smattering of physical characteristics to judge an entire person. And why is it that a President who has a "white" mother and a "black" father end up being called "black" or "African American"? Are we that low on brain wattage that we oversimplify like this? Why do so many of us cling to race? Ask cui bono, to whom does it benefit? It benefits many in many ways. For some it provides evidence-free victimhood. For others, an instant community. For others, evidence free scapegoats. And for most of us, "race" is a concept born out of laziness - we don't want to do the hard work of really getting to know each other -- Addendum 9-8-15 Path dependence plays into this issue big time. If people had been getting along, oblivious to skin color or other trivial physical characteristics we associate with "race," and if someone came along and suggested, "Hey, let's start generalizing about what kind of person we are dealing with on the basis of 'race," a totally unscientific and incoherent concept that I have invented based on trivial physical characteristics of humans. As people with geographically correlated trivial characteristics intermarry over time, it will become more and more absurd to determine who is of what race. I propose in fact, that a President who has a "white" mother and a "black" father will be deemed "black," and this will invite people to treat him/her with unwarranted presumptions as to what kind of person he/she is." If someone had made that proposal in this hypothetical scenario, it would (or at least, in an intelligent world) SHOULD be immediately rejected as absurd, divisive and dangerous. My conclusion: the only reason we continue to divide people by "race" is because ignorant people from long ago started doing so, and they did it for horrible reasons related to power-mongering and economic advantage.

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Eric Barker compiles 5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With A Romantic Partner

As a person who is divorced and dating, it was with special interest that I read Eric Barker's latest on "5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With A Romantic Partner." These shortcuts appear to be legit and powerful, maybe too powerful. Thus, one should be cautioned to not use these shortcuts on the wrong person or you might end up in a long-term relationship with the wrong person (I'm thinking of two things in particular: the task of staring into each others' eyes for an extended period and a list of personal topics that, it is claimed, will rocket the relationship forward). One of my biggest take-aways, though was this:

John Gottman, the #1 guy on making relationships work, says 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year. Via The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.
The above finding would seem to be a warning to choose one's potential partner exceedingly carefully because most of the conflicts of a relationship will remain conflicts for the entire relationship. On the other hand, I sometimes think and laugh at this episode of Seinfeld. Barker's advice, which he carefully compiles from many other sources, is something I will have at the ready, appreciating its power to send two people spiraling off into the wrong direction together.   One the other hand, these suggestions might serve as a tempting dose of jet fuel for what is already a good match.

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The power of listening

A good friend of mine named Tom was an excellent parent - his son was a really cool kid. When I was about to adopt my first child I asked him what advice he had for raising children. He said, "Listen to them. Listen actively. Everything else will follow from that." After having raised two children, I find that to be excellent advice. Eric Barker has published a post on the power of listening. He calls it, "How To Be Loved By Everyone: 6 Powerful Secrets," which is not a good title, because I consider it self destructive to try to be loved by everyone. But I agree with the content of the post, which centers on improving relationships by active listening. Here are Barker's take-aways:

Be a detective. You need to be interested. The best way to do that is to play detective and be curious. How little can you say? Ask questions. Paraphrase to make sure you understand. Past that, just shut up. Can you summarize to their approval? If you paraphrase what they said and they reply, “Exactly” — you win. Don’t try to fix them. Be Socrates. Help them find their own solution. People remember their own ideas best. Monitor body language. Eye contact and open postures are good. Touch their elbow to help create a bond. Review the common mistakes we all make. And then don’t do them. Listen and people will listen back. In fact, they’ll do more than that. They will come to trust and love you.
He ends with this quote by David Augsburger: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."

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