How to be a Human Animal, Chapter 8: How and Why to Choose Friends

Chapter 8: How and Why to Choose Friends.

Hello again, newborn baby! This is our 8th conversation. I am your self-appointed mentor, telling you things that you’ll need to know in order to make some sense of all the crazy things you are going to see on Planet Earth. Equally true, I’m telling you about the things that I wish I had learned when I was very young.

Today we’re going to talk about friends, which seems like a rather friendly topic if there ever is such a topic. But I’m going to shoot straight about friendships and this straight talk is probably going to make me seem mean-spirited.

First of all, what is a friendship? A friendship is a partnership, a two-way street where the two friends invest time in each other’s lives and keep each other in their realm of concern. There are many flavors of friendship and they are all good and well as long as the friends are happy with each other. When choosing friends, you’ll want to consider the purpose of spending time with each other. Some people merely want a card-playing partner (and not much more). Others want to hang around supporting each other as they both raise children. Others want art or craft friends. Others want friends with whom they can go to movies, shows and sports events and chit chat about those events. Others want honest, probing and thoughtful conversation about the meaning of life. Some of us actively seek out friends who will give us the unvarnished truth (as they see it), challenging us in direct but kind ways, serving as a sounding board so we don't fall off the rails regarding our world views.

Friends are extremely important to each others' happiness, making it critical that we show patience and kindness to our friends. That said, for self-preservation, there must be limits to your loyalty, as I will discuss below.

Second, how does one make friends? For most people it’s mostly a matter of luck. You bump into other people in school or work and one way or the other you end up doing things together, thus “cementing” the “friendship.” You’ll hear that you should be loyal to your friends. You should be the one willing to stick with them thick and thin and if your friendship is a good one, you’ll be even willing to help your friend bury the body, so to speak. Even though this method sometimes helps to find others to hang around with, it’s not an efficient method and it often comes at a great cost. I’m going to suggest a completely different approach for making friends.

What if someone you loved (e.g., your sister) asked you to find some good friends for her? Would you really follow such a haphazard approach, or would you do your best to use a Machiavellian approach, doing some serious work to identify people with excellent habits and character (much as you would if you were looking for a romantic partner). Further, if one of your sister’s friends took a bad serious turn--they became wealth obsessed or proudly addicted to chemicals that changed them for the worse--would you tell your sister to be “loyal” and stick with that deteriorating person through thick and thin because “once a friend, always a friend”? I sincerely hope not.

I would offer these two basic rules regarding relationships: A) Don’t expect a person to change and B) don’t expect a person to not change. My point here is a simple one: people can become more and less compatible with each other over time but, sometimes friends fall horribly out of sync and the relationship becomes painful. Similarly, someone you wrote off in high school as a knucklehead might have proceeded to get an “A” in the School of Life,” which you noticed, with some shock, when you had a chance meeting 20 years after high school--they dramatically changed for the better. So always keep your eyes open for the ebb and flow of a relationship and never rule out redemption. As you know, I often quote Nietzsche. In the following passage he discusses what he calls “star friendship.”

Star friendship. We were friends and have become estranged. But that was right, and we do not want to hide and obscure it from ourselves as if we had to be ashamed of it. We are two ships, each of which has its own goal and course; we may cross and have a feast together, as we did--and then the good ships lay so quietly in one harbor and in one sun that it may have seemed as if they had already completed their course and had the same goal. But then the almighty force of our projects drove us apart once again, in two different seas and sunny zones, and maybe we will never meet again--or maybe we will, but will not recognize each other: the different seas and suns have changed us! That we had to become estranged is the law above us; through it we should come to have more respect for each other--and the thought of our former friendship should become more sacred! There is probably a tremendous invisible curve and stellar orbit in which our different ways and goals may be included as small stretches--let us rise to this thought!

I would advise the following: A) carefully pick who will be in your friendship circle, B) constantly evaluate each other for “fit” as the years go by and, C) without apology (but usually with sadness) distance yourself from friends that are no longer working out. Loyalty is not (always) a virtue. Don’t believe the people who say you must, for ever and ever spend your unreplenishable 1,000 months of life with people who are no longer a good fit. Most important of all, in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend and this will require an investment of your time and energy into the partnership of friendship. You'll need to listen as much as you talk. You'll need to show through your actions that you care about the relationship.

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Race Relations: Then and Now

Excerpt from an article at FAIR's Substack by Alice Irby, who helped establish the Job Corps, and in the 1970s joined Rutgers University as the first female Vice-President of a major university. Title of her article: "Then and Now":

Many of us who labored in the civil rights movement were inspired by Martin Luther King Jr. I heard him call on us to respect others, not suppress them; to embrace diversity, not discriminate against each other; to improve our country, not tear it apart. Hope. Dreams. Fairness. Equality. The coming together of diverse people from all walks of life to work toward fulfilling the promise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as promised by the Declaration of Independence. The Civil Rights movement opposed bigotry by relying on hope, opportunity, and cooperation. We did not succumb to anger, dissension, despair, or intolerance.

Now, as I look around, I am frightened. I see hate, not hope; dissension, not dreams; tribalism, not unity. The Civil Rights movement fought for the principle of equal opportunity, regardless of race. Today, those who call for “equity” actually support discriminating against individuals based on race to bring about equal outcomes between racial groups.

I am a follower of Martin Luther King Jr., not Ibram X. Kendi. I do not believe that present discrimination is the remedy for past discrimination. Our nation was not founded on slavery, but on ideas that paved the way for the abolition of slavery. It is because of these beliefs that I support FAIR, a multiracial, non-partisan organization dedicated to principles of fairness, tolerance, and equality—a community whose advisors and members stand tall in reaffirming our common humanity and who show courage in combating forces of intolerance, racism, and injustice. I stand not only for our founding ideals and aspirations, but also for more eternal verities—compassion, respect for all, kindness toward others, and love of mankind. I choose the optimism of King over the pessimism of the neo-racist “anti-racism” of today.

We are all one race—the human race. We laugh, cry, and bleed the same. America is a beautiful multiracial mosaic, and it grows more diverse with each passing year. In our present moment, it is especially necessary to hold true to the values of fairness, understanding, and humanity that shaped the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s. These are the values that can help to heal our societal wounds, restore excellence to our educational institutions, ensure justice and equal rights for all, and garner our many diverse strengths as we seek, as ever, a more perfect union.

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Aphorism 10: Don’t Put it Off for Later

I like to create video interviews of interesting people. One of the most compelling interviews I have made was that of Ben Fainer, a holocaust survivor. He spent six tortured years in several camps. I loved Ben's attitude. He was patient and forgiving in spite of all that he had been through. And he was a wise man too. Many other people have been moved by Bens words too. More than 100,000 people have viewed his video. He died a few years after we created his video, so I was especially glad that his words were preserved.

I had another friend who almost died in WWII. Like Ben, she was Jewish. Susan was in her late 80s when she mentioned that she had escaped from Europe to the U.S. through Japan. It sounded like an amazing story. She agreed to tell me all about her escape. We agreed to meet the following week on a Tuesday. She died that weekend, so we will never know her story. Her death has served as a reminder to me that once I recognize something to be important I need to schedule it and do it promptly. Or else.

And I know that life isn't always that simple. There are conflicting platitudes that remind us that it's not that simple: A) "He who hesitates is lost." And B) "Look before you leap."

When I conclude that something is important, however, I try to jump at it. You see, I'm in my 60s. I hope to be around for decades, but I might get the horrible diagnosis tomorrow. Or that car might swerve into my lane next week.

We are all traveling along a Life Arc and there is nothing you can do to slow it down. Your only option is to fill it up with quality experiences. Schedule it and make it happen, Laura Vanderkam reminds us over and over. Do that, or don't do that, thereby allowing the sands of time to slip through your fingers. Those are your only options. Live your life or fail to live your life.

Here comes the next hour. What are you going to do with it?

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Aphorism 8: Two Rules to Help Preserve Romantic Relationships

People sometimes ask me for advice regarding relationships and I laugh. I've been divorced twice and I've been in about a half dozen serious relationships that are, alas, no more.  Not that I regret a minute of this adventure.  As Tennyson wrote: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And I truly celebrate vibrant romantic relationships, even though most of them fail, whether or not it is apparent to others.  What a strange prelude to "advice" that I suspect is mostly tongue in cheek.  Here are my two rules for preserving romantic relationships:

  1. Don't  expect your lover to change.
  2. Don't expect your lover to not change.

There you have it.  Good luck to all of us who are seeking love and affection out there!  The quest is worth it, regardless of the outcome.

Oh, and one more thing.  If you are in a marriage that fails and you need something to buoy your spirits, consider this advice from Louis CK:

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How Pervasive is the Teaching of Critical Race Theory?

Last month, Andrew Gutmann started speaking out against critical race theory, as it was being taught at his daughter's private expensive Manhattan school, Brearley School. In his letter to the Brearly community, he accused Brearly of teaching children illiberal and indoctrinating antiracism initiatives and divisive obsession with race. Gutmann has founded Speak Up For Education. .

Today, Gutmann authored an opinion piece at The Hill. Here is an excerpt:

There appears to be widespread belief that opposition to critical race theory is a view held solely by the political right. This perception is wrong. It is certainly true that the conservative media has almost exclusively embraced viewpoints unfavorable to critical race theory while the liberal-oriented media has been overwhelmingly approving. But our polarized media does not seem to accurately reflect the view of most Americans.

Since my letter became public, I have received several thousand supportive emails and messages from people across this country, including many from self-described Democrats and liberals. The tone of most of the messages sent to me is not at all political in nature; instead, the tenor is one of desperation and powerlessness.

I have received emails from parents expressing devastation that their kids, as young as five years old, are coming home from school after being taught to feel guilty solely because of the color of their skin. I have received messages from grandparents feeling hopeless that their grandchildren are being brainwashed and turned against their own families. And I have received notes from teachers brought to tears because they are being required, day after day, to teach fundamentally divisive, racist doctrines and being forced to demonize their own students.

Perhaps the most powerful – and most frightening – of the notes I have received are the several dozen from those who identify themselves as having immigrated to America from the former Soviet Union or from countries in formerly communist Eastern Europe. These emails are never political in nature and are nearly identical in message: These first-generation Americans all write that they have “seen this movie before.” They are familiar with the propaganda, the tactics of indoctrination and the pervasive fear of speaking up that plague today’s United States. Simply put, they cannot believe this is happening here.

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