Father of two charged in child poisoning case

May 11, 2009 | By | 13 Replies More
Photo by eugeniusD80 on Creative Commons

Photo by eugeniusD80 on Creative Commons

ASSIMULATED PRESS

Regency, Alabama – A prominent business owner is being charged in the poisoning and near death of his two children.

Alabama Child Protective Services was notified when the children of prominent Regency land developer Ian Oda were brought into Eden County General Hospital convulsing and showing other signs of poisoning. When questioned about what had happened, Mr. Oda explained that the children, Alex 7 and Elizabeth 6, had ingested poisoned food that he had warned them not to eat. “I told them the rules and they disobeyed me. This is their fault.”

Police and CPS agents were dispatched to the Oda home where they found an elaborate fenced-in playground which had been built specifically for the children. Neighbors reported that they had seen the children enjoying themselves and running naked around the playground for several days before the incident. Food, snacks and beverages were scattered throughout the area. However, some of the treats had been laced with strychnine and piled all together at the base of a large apple tree.

Further complicating matters was the news that a former employee of Mr. Oda had been seen talking to the children shortly before they arrived at the hospital. Mr. Levi Natas had been overheard telling Elizabeth that the poisoned snacks were actually the tastiest snacks of all and that their father was hoarding them for himself.

Mr. Natas had worked for Mr. Oda’s company for many years but had a falling out and been let go under contentious circumstances in 2004. Mr. Natas then started his own rival company in Regency and has been notorious for trying to undermine many of Mr. Oda’s construction projects.

When questioned about the incident Mr. Oda said, “Oh yes, I saw Mr. Natas talking to Elizabeth. I saw everything. My living room window overlooks the playground. But the children knew the rules. That was the only pile of snacks I had asked them not to eat.”

Mr. Oda faces charges of reckless endangerment. Although the children have recovered, Mr. Oda stated to police that they are no longer welcome in his home, will never be allowed back into the playground, and that their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will also never be allowed to play there.

In a prepared statement which Mr. Oda dictated to one of his assistants while the assistant was asleep, he proclaimed, “I have an employee that can clean up this mess. I promise I will send him. But it may take a few thousand years before I get around to it.”

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Category: Humor, hypocrisy, Religion, Whimsy, Writing

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Mike Pulcinella is a documentary filmmaker.

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  1. Erich Vieth says:

    This is utterly distressing. Time to call out the Church-Police!

    Mr. Oda should have seen this danger and taken steps to prevent it.

  2. Nothing "reckless" about it IMHO. This was calculated. On an evil madman's calculator, that is.

  3. Karl says:

    Check your sources much?

    The assimulated press must have great writers who can choose what they think is fit to print.

  4. Karl,

    Check your satire level much? Ian Oda = Adonai, the Hebrew title of god.

    Levi Natas = Satan ivel. Don't think the "ivel" is significant, probably just Evil with the vowels swapped.

    Alex and Elizabeth…Adam and Eve?

    Assimulated indeed.

  5. Erich Vieth says:

    Mark: Karl is too busy defending the Bible as literal truth to actually read it.

  6. Mark: THANK YOU for deciphering my clumsy little satirical puzzle! I was starting to get a little worried that I had been too subtle. I really thought "Eden County General Hospital" was a dead giveaway!

  7. Tony Coyle says:

    I saw it too – but didn't have the heart to beat on Karl again so soon.

  8. Karl says:

    Mean while back on the animal farm . . .

    The Eden County General Hospital board of directors had appealed to the DONOs (Department of neighborhood organizers) to have the prominent father arrested, placed in chains, flogged and beaten, but they never did discover just where he could be located as he didn't leave a forwarding address and his cell phone GPS locator always sent those interested in finding him back to their own addresses.

    To the dismay of the DONOs the crime scene and all evidence vanished for perpetuity. The judgment of the DONOs however was never removed from the social consciousness of those who don't believe the whole story to begin with. The story became a myth to those who knew it couldn't possibly be true even though they always seemed to return back to it time and time again. It became part of the song that never ends.

    So the DONOs decided their only recourse in the matter was to assign guilt by association to all who claimed any kind of knowledge of the purposes behind the motivations and actions of the prominent father. The penalty for any who would not deny even an attempted relationship with the father would be the same judgment they would have placed upon the father if he were able to be tracked down and arrested by the DONOs.

    It came to be expected that anyone who publicly stated a desire to even attempt a personal relationship with the prominent father from the human justice of the DONOs would be held as a hostage in order to bring the fugitive out of hiding so they could see what they were really up against.

    One day someone who others said was the son of the prominent father was held hostage and tortured by those hoping to see if the prominent father would return and show his face again. (Some just wanted to know what he did with all of the rest of the back yard playground equipment.)

    The DONOs used the legal system to push their torture to the ultimate limit, fully expecting for this imposture to either bring back the prominent father or put an end to the myths once and for all.

    DONO if its worth your time but, Now you know some more of the story. (no rights reserved)

    This isn't preaching, its too sarcastic to be considered that.

  9. Karl,

    LOL. Not too bad. Not too bad at all.

  10. Actually…that was really good! Well done, Karl.

  11. Tony Coyle says:

    Indeed — Bravo, Karl.

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