Eric Barker compiles 5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With A Romantic Partner

As a person who is divorced and dating, it was with special interest that I read Eric Barker's latest on "5 Shortcuts To Bonding Deeply With A Romantic Partner." These shortcuts appear to be legit and powerful, maybe too powerful. Thus, one should be cautioned to not use these shortcuts on the wrong person or you might end up in a long-term relationship with the wrong person (I'm thinking of two things in particular: the task of staring into each others' eyes for an extended period and a list of personal topics that, it is claimed, will rocket the relationship forward). One of my biggest take-aways, though was this:

John Gottman, the #1 guy on making relationships work, says 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year. Via The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.
The above finding would seem to be a warning to choose one's potential partner exceedingly carefully because most of the conflicts of a relationship will remain conflicts for the entire relationship. On the other hand, I sometimes think and laugh at this episode of Seinfeld. Barker's advice, which he carefully compiles from many other sources, is something I will have at the ready, appreciating its power to send two people spiraling off into the wrong direction together.   One the other hand, these suggestions might serve as a tempting dose of jet fuel for what is already a good match.

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Why Leviticus does not impress me regarding LGBT

How many times have you heard someone dust off a copy of the Bible and quote from Leviticus as an argument against homosexuality or any form of sexuality other than heterosexuals engaging in missionary-position-half-dressed-in-the-dark sex? Well, James M. Kaufman wrote an impressive letter to radio host, "Doctor" Laura Schlesinger. I…

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The power of listening

A good friend of mine named Tom was an excellent parent - his son was a really cool kid. When I was about to adopt my first child I asked him what advice he had for raising children. He said, "Listen to them. Listen actively. Everything else will follow from that." After having raised two children, I find that to be excellent advice. Eric Barker has published a post on the power of listening. He calls it, "How To Be Loved By Everyone: 6 Powerful Secrets," which is not a good title, because I consider it self destructive to try to be loved by everyone. But I agree with the content of the post, which centers on improving relationships by active listening. Here are Barker's take-aways:

Be a detective. You need to be interested. The best way to do that is to play detective and be curious. How little can you say? Ask questions. Paraphrase to make sure you understand. Past that, just shut up. Can you summarize to their approval? If you paraphrase what they said and they reply, “Exactly” — you win. Don’t try to fix them. Be Socrates. Help them find their own solution. People remember their own ideas best. Monitor body language. Eye contact and open postures are good. Touch their elbow to help create a bond. Review the common mistakes we all make. And then don’t do them. Listen and people will listen back. In fact, they’ll do more than that. They will come to trust and love you.
He ends with this quote by David Augsburger: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."

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