It has become abundantly clear that the United States has evolved from somewhat of a democracy to much more of a corporatocracy. It’s time to rename the national holidays to reflect this reality.

I was inspired to write this post when re-considering the attached photo of corporate flags, which I took at the downtown St. Louis Fourth of July celebration this year.  Based on the ubiquitous corporate sponsors of that holiday (combined with the salient lack of people who cared about the original reason for this holiday), I’d recommend that we rename Fourth of July as Big Business Day.    It’s clear now that (as Representative Dick Durbin once said), the banks own the place (referring to Congress), that we set aside a day to remember that development.  But why stop there?   There’s no more need for Labor Day either, since most politicians are leaving workers to fend for themselves.  Further, a lot of us don’t have jobs anymore. Therefore, let’s rename Labor Day as Banker’s Day.

Christmas Day is a day where we celebrate giving.   Let’s rename Christmas Day Bailout Day to remember that many too-big-to-fail banks were bailed out with money of the middle class and the working poor, starting in 2008. It also makes sense that we set aside a day to remember that the intrepid Federal Reserve almost succeeded in keeping secret that it provided many trillions of dollars of loans and loan guarantees to entities that would never have passed public muster, including to the Bank of Bahrain.  That the Fed almost kept the extent of this backdoor bailout is stunning, as stunning as the fact that Columbus thought he made it to Asia until his dying day.  I’d recommend that we replace Columbus Day with Federal Reserve Almost Secret Day. It’s not much use celebrating the deeds of soldiers when those who make most of America’s wars possible are the big business that comprise the military-industrial complex. Therefore, I’d recommend that we replace Memorial Day with Military-Industrial Complex Day.

Martin Luther King’s quaint message has become passe in these modern times.   Americans have rediscovered the power of vilifying large groups of others based on irrelevant characteristics.  In fact, it was recently disclosed that well-monied entities are funding America’s anti-Muslim bigotry. Therefore, instead of Martin Luther King Day, the reality in which we live compels us to celebrate Bigotry Day.

Remember that special day in November when we have traditionally celebrated our bountiful harvests?   In light of America’s massive loss of soil,  and the extreme droughts and water-shortages throughout the United States (just the facts here–no need to utter the phrase “global warming”), things aren’t looking so plentitudinous anymore.  Further, our unstoppable war-mongering is taking quite a toll on Americans back home.  In sum, our questionable choices are making us poor. Instead of celebrating Thanksgiving Day, then I’d recommend that we rename that November holiday Questionable National Priorities Day.

Given that there will no longer be a Labor Day, we can’t really afford many national holidays.   That would lead to sloth.  Therefore, I’d recommend that dispense with all of the other federal holidays other than President’s Day.  Instead of calling it President’s Day, though, I’d recommend that we name it to recognize the huge piles of cash that drown out the voices of ordinary citizens, thereby making it highly likely that corporate blessed candidates prevail, or at least that they will be thoroughly corrupted--turned into functional psychopaths–after gaining the presidency.   Therefore, I’d recommend that we change the name of President’s Day to Citizen’s United Day.

I’m not suggesting that it’s a good thing that the United States has become what it now is.  I’m merely suggesting that our holidays ought to be renamed to accurately reflect our reality.