People sometimes ask me for advice regarding relationships and I laugh. I’ve been divorced twice and I’ve been in about a half dozen serious relationships that are, alas, no more. Not that I regret a minute of this adventure. As Tennyson wrote: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” And I truly celebrate vibrant romantic relationships, even though most of them fail, whether or not it is apparent to others. What a strange prelude to “advice” that I suspect is mostly tongue in cheek. Here are my two rules for preserving romantic relationships:
- Don’t expect your lover to change.
- Don’t expect your lover to not change.
There you have it. Good luck to all of us who are seeking love and affection out there! The quest is worth it, regardless of the outcome.
Oh, and one more thing. If you are in a marriage that fails and you need something to buoy your spirits, consider this advice from Louis CK:
These two rules are actually intuitive. They come down to “The only person you can change is you.” My corollary is that acceptance is always better than understanding. We rarely fully understand ourselves, but expect that we have the power to fully understand others. We don’t. What you have done with theists is to accept that they exist, that there is no need for animosity among theists, agnostics and atheists, and if being a theist meets a need someone has, then hands off.
Well put, Bill.