The Onion has reported that a dunk tank featuring Dick Cheney has raised $800 Billion to assist the U.S. economy.

WASHINGTON—Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney.

And check out this Onion Network News story about the recent retirement of an NFL Football coach:

Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team