MSNBC has just reported that the FCC is working long hours to protect us from harmful language, i.e., language that “depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities or organs in a patently offensive manner.”

In its continuing crackdown on on-air profanity, the FCC has requested numerous tapes from broadcasters that might include vulgar remarks from unruly spectators, coaches and athletes at live sporting events, industry sources said.

Tapes requested by the commission include live broadcasts of football games and NASCAR races where the participants or the crowds let loose with an expletive. While commission officials refused to talk about its requests, one broadcast company executive said the commission had asked for 30 tapes of live sports and news programs.

As explained by MSNBC, the Commission is cracking down on variations of the words “f***” and “s***” even if the words are uttered accidentally.

I’m really glad that our government is keeping TV safe.   This sort of detail work is likely quite expensive, but I’m sure they’ve thought this all though to make sure that there is nothing better to do with all of that money.  There’s no telling what harm could happen if one is exposed to a dangerous word.  I didn’t see Janet Jackson’s nipple, but had I seen it, I might have missed several days of work trying to recover. 

Or so I thought.  Because this is such an important matter, I decided to subject myself to an experiment.I turned off the phone, went to a quiet room and pulled the shades.  Sweating and trembling, I took a seat, breathed in, then uttered the word “f—.”   I waited for several minutes, checking my pulse periodically.  Here’s the amazing thing:  NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.  I tried it again with the word “s—.”  Same incredible result.   I repeated this experiment several times, so the result was not a fluke.  But I wasn’t finished with my scientific analysis.  After carefully scouring the Internet for two hours, I finally found a photograph of a woman’s nipple.  Pulse: normal.  Breathing: a bit accelerated, but within normal range.  I decided I was OK.  I still wasn’t done, however.

I gathered my two young children and asked them to sit on the family couch.  After making them sign waiver agreements I had drafted, I asked them  to listen very carefully to what I was about to say.  I clearly spoke the word “copulation.” They looked at me puzzledly.  I elaborated:  “men and woman trying to have a baby.”  Still nothing.  I made careful notes and moved on with my experiment. 

I then uttered the word “urination.”  Nothing!  “Defecation.”  Nothing at all.  “Poop.”  “Pee”  “Number 2.”  Even though I had previously taught them the technical meanings of these terms, they simply stared at me, sometimes smiling but never appearing to be harmed.  In case you are concerned: I’ve been keeping a close eye on my kids ever since to make sure that there aren’t any negative delayed harmful reactions.

Here is my conclusion.  Fate has blessed the members of my family with good genes that protect each of us from the harmful effects of words that depict or describe sexual or excretaory activities.

In the meantime, I have noticed one problem to which my family is susceptible. My children become disturbed and distressed whenever they see a photograph an Iraqi adult and child injured or killed by a bomb or bullets.  Fortunately, American television stations work hard to carefully filter out most of those images.  American stations focus on the launching of missiles, usually from the well-scrubbed deck of a navy ship.  Now if only we can keep those foreign stations from broadcasting those pornographic images of what happens when missiles come down . . .