Today I was day-dreaming about taking another field trip to a fundamentalist evangelical church.   In my dream, though, I wasn’t going to church to simply observe all the folks getting terrified over getting barbecued in hell.  Nor was I there to promote my new and improved version of the Ten Commandments. 

No, in this dream I was a Martian anthropologist starting my field studies on Earth.  Out of raw luck, I landed my saucer on the parking lot of a fundamentalist church and walked in to begin studying the animals that I found inside.  Here are the field notes from my dream:

I walked in church and noticed lots of animals.  In impeccable English (I studied English a bit in Martian high school) I asked, “Where do the animals sit?”

One of the “men” in charge told me that “animals are not allowed in the church, only people.”   As he said “people,” he pointed to some of the animals.

I inquired, “But aren’t those people animals?”  

This brought on a half-dazed squirmy look.  He looked at me like I was from Mars, which I was, of course.  He protested that he didn’t think of people as “animals.” 

Because I was confused, I pulled out my textbook on Animal Behavior, 7th Edition, by John Alcock (2001).  I glanced at the table of contents, which contained a long list of attributes pertaining to “animals.” I then quickly read further.

Chapter 8 covered “feeding behaviors,” indicating that animals ate food.  I happened to notice posters about the upcoming church picnic where food would be served.  I asked the man about “people” eating food.  He admitted that “people” ate, but stressed that “people” weren’t “animals.”

Chapter 9 covered habitats.  I asked the man where the “people” went after church.  He told me “back to their homes.”  “But what’s the difference between a home and a habitat?” I asked.  “Homes have television sets,” he replied.

Chapter 10 concerned communication.  Alcock wrote that sending and receiving signals is ubiquitous in the animal kingdom.  The fellow at church, however, told me “it’s a different process with animals.  Animals don’t have telephones.”

Chapter 11 concerned reproductive behavior.  The fellow was reluctant to talk about reproduction.  I noticed, though, that the church pamphlets repeatedly warned the “people” about “sex.”  Based on the “sermon” too, it was one of their biggest concerns.

Chapter 12 concerned mating systems.  Alcock describes “mate guarding,” “mate assistance” and sexual dimorphism, the difference in average size between individuals of different sexes in the same species.  In animals where the males are larger than the females, OCP’s (extra pair copulations) tend to occur.  I noticed that male “people” tend to be a bit larger than female “people.”  The church man told me, however, that affairs are not “natural” in “people” and that I should read a “better book.”  This confused me, since the “better book” he gave me described lots of OCP’s.  The “better book” also talked repeatedly about a very irritable fellow who didn’t seem to be either a “person” or an “animal.”  I’ll keep on a lookout for this “God” fellow on future expeditions.

Chapter 13 described the parental care that many “animals” give to their young.  “It’s different with people,” the man told me.  “Adult People take care of their children because of duty,” he explained.  “Without reverence to duty, people would just run around like animals.”

In my dream, I came to the conclusion that more study was necessary to determine how it was that “people” were not “animals.”   My field study report ended up being quite confusing, actually.  “People” look like animals, though the ones I observed each claimed that they weren’t “animals.”  But I saw a few of them eating, just like animals.  I noticed restrooms where they dispense with digested food, a similar process by which other animals dispense with digested food.  The “people” took care of their young, thereby exhibiting an important function of animals.  I saw many “people” communicating.  In the corner of the parking lot, a few of the “people” even engaged in kissing, a behavior seen in chimpanzees, according to Alcock.

But still, the man insisted that “people” weren’t “animals.”  Maybe he’s right.  After all, the animal behavior book doesn’t mention anything about animals going to church.  Perhaps that’s why the people don’t claim to be animals: because they go to church.