I’m tired of justifying my actions based on moral and pragmatic grounds; it’s too often too much work trying to explain that I am motivated to make my tiny corner of the world a better place, or that I’m trying to avoid needless suffering. Justifying my actions based on real-world consequences often requires planning, empathy and evidence-gathering, and I’ve decided that this is too much work.
What’s the solution? I have quite recently realized that I am a believer in God, which makes me special and unquestionable.
My new outlook germinated about a month ago when I noticed Rick Perry having such an easy time justifying anything he desired, based on things God allegedly told him. [1] Why are you running for President? Because God told me to. Why are going to dismantle social security [2]? Because God told me to. What are you going to do about Wall Street Banks? [3] God will tell me after I allow those nice men to wine and dine me.
Such freedom! I was jealous of Rick Perry, so I adopted God too. I like this new power. Because I am now one of God’s special people, when you question me, you question God Himself . . . so you’d better not ever have the arrogance to question me or God. You want to fight me buddy? God’s me Buddy. I like being God, Jr. It’s armor to protect me from all forms of intellectual and moral challenges and evidence. Having God as my Pal lessens my cognitive load, making life much easier, and it’s going to allow me to quickly cut through a lot of moralistic red tape. It’s going to let me invoke my program without having to explain myself.
Invoking God is a terrific substitute for having well-considered reasons for one’s thoughts and actions. Claiming that God is on one’s side makes up for being a “C” student [4], and it also makes up for being an adult ignoramus. Bonus points: Most news reporters don’t have the guts to ask pointed questions about candidates’ alleged special relationships with God. They won’t ask, “Does God like you better than God likes the other Republican candidates?” or “Why would God tell more than one Republican to run for President?” or “Aren’t you too old to be claiming the literal existence of the type of God that resembles a fairy tale character?” or “Didn’t many of the early American settlers come to America to escape the Dominionist [5] government you are now proposing [6]? Watching each of the GOP candidates somberly claiming that God supports him or her has been pissing me off because those candidates have been getting exceptionally free rides from the media (except from The Onion [7]).
All of this has pissed me off until today. Today, it occurred to me that if you can’t beat them, join them. My new plan is to start invoking God whenever I want to justify any of my conduct or thoughts. Now don’t accuse me of lying—I’ve carefully thought this through. I’ve already made my position on religion perfectly clear (See my five-part “Mending Fences” series, starting here [8]). That series presented me with a clear personal revelation: I’m a believer in something very much like Albert Einstein’s version of God. [9] Einstein said, “I believe in Spinoza’s God, who reveals himself in the lawful harmony of all that exists, but not
[10]in a God who concerns himself with the fate and the doings of mankind.” That pretty much describes me. Thus, I’m a believer in “God.” I can thus claim a special relationship with God as honestly as Rick Perry.
How do I know that God approves of everything I do and think? Since I’m part of the universe, and God is the systematic order of the universe, I am coextensive with God. Oh, and I also decided to stop thinking so much. In my new approach to life, I merely close my eyes and can feel God’s approval. How could I not, since God’s physical order permeates me?
The funny thing is that ever since I started publicly acknowledging that I believe in God and especially since I’ve stopped thinking so much, I’ve come to realize that God approves of everything that I’m doing and everything that I’m going to do for the rest of my life. Therefore, I no longer have any need for evidence, or any type of worldly justification. I have no further need for logic, empathy, discipline, planning, resourcefulness, tolerance, honesty, self-control, humbleness, social justice, diligence, moderation or ethics. I’m also taking a page from all of those “deep” and “sincere” believers: Since God can destroy cities yet still be good by definition, [11]everything I do is also good, by definition, since God and I are now copasetic.
Therefore, I have a new short answer for anyone who questions anything I do or say: “God wills it.” Why do I sleep in on Saturday? God wills it. Why do I insist that people should protect the Earth and live sustainably? Why do I believe in empathizing with the poor and the sick? God wills it. Why do we need to get private money out of elections? God wills it. Why do I oppose arrogant and manipulative ignoramuses like Rick Perry? God made it especially clear to me that He wills that. And just this very moment God revealed to me one more thing: that anyone who loudly proclaims that that he has God on his side is dishonest, deluded and potentially dangerous.
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