Google “snoring” and you’ll get a flood of how-to advice on how not to, and a lot of reasons [1] to stop. Not surprisingly, the majority of links recalled were advertisements for devices, medications, surgical maneuvers, and their purveyors. In today’s pharm-centered universe, the vibration caused by air traveling through our airways has been pathologized and vilified as the destroyer [2] of otherwise sound relationships.
[3]Not only is it bad for your love life. Snoring is deadly!
According to snoring alarmists [4], snorers who have the audacity to continue sleeping noisily can look forward to myriad cardiovascular disorders including heart attacks, atherosclerosis, and stroke, marital and erectile dysfunction (chicken-or-the-egg?), drowsiness, lack of focus and…Zzzzzzzzz [5].
Admittedly, I’m no doctor [1], but let me suggest that there are some positive effects of snoring (besides the possibility that it keeps you healthy by means of temporary asphyxiation [6]). It’s a much cheaper and more effective method of subjecting those around you to intense jealousy (“Please, please, make him stop so I can lose consciousness ASAP”) than, say, buying a pair of Jimmy Choos [7]. Then again, I don’t usually begrudge those masochists the pain of walking around…
But I digress. If you would rather not invest in a medical solution, you could try banishing the banshee by learning a new instrument [8]. You guessed it: the Didgideroo! [9]
Ah, it’s time for bed. Maybe the lumbering Saint Bernard downstairs will give it a rest so I can, too.
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