This morning, I was watching one of the local religious television stations, listening to a preacher describe his beliefs about what heaven will be like. He described “walking hand-in-hand with Jesus and having Jesus answer all of my questions about how he created the Universe.” I was dumbfounded. Walking hand-in-hand with Jesus? Exactly how does that happen, given that there will (presumably) be hundreds of millions of other people also in heaven, also wanting to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus, and also wanting to ask Jesus their own questions? Will there be a “Take-A-Number” machine in heaven, so all of Jesus’ eager followers can remember their respective positions in the queue waiting to see him?
Then I got to thinking…what will that preacher do in heaven after Jesus has answered every imaginable question he has about how the Universe was created? What will that preacher — and the hundreds of millions of other Believers — do with themselves for the rest of eternity after Jesus answers all of their questions?
That’s when I wondered: are there jet skis in heaven? Hundreds of millions of jet skis, so everyone can ride together if they want? And will the jet skis all have screaming engines, like the ones that are so popular here on earth?
Then I thought: what about NASCAR? NFL football? Bowling? Professional wrestling?
And are there video games in heaven? Violent video games, which are very popular, even among Christians?
We can be confident there will be music in heaven, but what kind of music? Gospel? Country? Rap? Punk rock? Christian rock?
Speaking of music, will there be parties in heaven? Big, raucous parties of Believers celebrating their good fortune at being admitted to heaven? Will there be party hats (halos?) for everyone? Will college-aged men paint large letters on their chests, so when they stand in a row they will spell out “JESUS” or “GOD?”
And what will happen to the different Christian denominations in heaven? Will Catholics congregate at the bar, while Puritans protest that alcohol is a sin? Will the Shakers be shaking and the Quakers be quaking? Will Pentecostals be speaking in tongues? Will people even need to speak, or will communication be telepathic, the way Christians claim that God speaks to them now? Indeed, will people even be able to speak, given that speaking requires the movement of air, and we don’t actually know if there is air in heaven? What use do eternal beings have for air?
And will people still have emotions in heaven…in particular, anger? After all, God has had many fits of ranting, raving anger, so human emotions, including anger, seem likely to exist in heaven. What form will human anger take? Will Believers who were formerly angry redneck bigots on earth still despise homosexual Believers? Will pro-life Believers still oppose pro-choice Believers? Will Jewish Believers who died in the gas chambers of Germany’s death camps join hands and sing songs with the Nazi Believers who put them there?
Will heaven really be one big happy family? Or will the Believers on jet skis still annoy the Believers who want peace and quiet?
Keep in mind: heaven (“New Jerusalem”) is a cube, about 1400 miles on a side and 200 feet high (see Revelation 21:16-17). If just 200 million Believers make it into heaven (a very low estimate given that some evangelical Christians claim America’s population of Believers already exceeds that number), that’s about 100 people per square mile (about equal to the population density of Wisconsin). If a lot more Christians are “saved” (and they all seem to believe they will be), then heaven could be very a crowded place. You’d better bring deodorant.
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