Breaking news: Washington D.C. in chaos as president, leadership of both parties arrested

September 18, 2013 | By | Reply More

[Washington, D.C.] Satire:

The nation’s capital was plunged into chaos this morning as President Barack Obama was taken into federal custody, along with major factions of both the Democratic and Republican parties, as well as officials from the NSA, CIA, FBI, and other agencies.

President Barack Obama Image via Wikipedia (commons license)

President Barack Obama Image via Wikipedia (commons license)

Under arrest along with President Obama are believed to be large swaths of both the House and Senate leadership, as well as other Congressional members who have spoken in favor of arming the Syrian rebels in recent weeks.  The Syrian rebels have increasingly become allied with the infamous al-Qaeda terrorist group as the two-year old conflict drags on.  Under several different sections of U.S. law, it’s illegal to provide material support to groups that are affiliated with al-Qaeda.

The early morning raid by Federal marshals in cooperation with the Washington D.C. police department and SWAT teams was without precedent.  Frantic efforts are underway to determine what charges will be brought and what steps the stunned political class will take in the aftermath of Wednesday’s raid.

According to a statement released from law enforcement officials, police “could no longer stand idly by” while major parts of both statutory and constitutional laws were ignored by the nation’s political elite.

“President Obama talked a lot about a red-line in Syria, but for a lot of us in law enforcement, the real red-line was crossed when he began to give arms and training to al-Qaeda,” said one unnamed official who spoke on condition of anonymity.  “I mean, they spent the past decade telling us how dangerous these guys are, we’re getting felt up at the airport and everything. Now they want to turn around and give them guns and CIA training?  It makes no sense,” the official continued.

The arrests have sparked a national debate on the scope of terrorism laws since 9/11, as well as the extent to which lawmakers must adhere to laws that they pass.  In April, Congress exempted itself from following anti-corruption laws against insider-trading.

Other recent news has indicated that lawmakers who voted to uphold widely unpopular policies such as the NSA surveillance program received more campaign contributions from the defense industry, which had lucrative contracts riding on the approvals.  Another recent study found that Senators tended to represent their wealthiest constituents to the exclusion of poorer constituents, a condition the study labeled “oligarchic tendencies”.

These findings mirror those on the issue of Syria, where despite widespread public opposition to military strikes, the President and Congressional leadership seemed to be pushing for action against the Assad regime until recently. Transparency group Maplight.org found that senators who voted for a resolution authorizing military strikes on Syria received an average of 83% more campaign contributions from the defense industry than those who voted to oppose such strikes.

In background briefings with anonymous law enforcement sources, many expressed frustration at the obvious hypocrisy and corruption in the nation’s capital.   Officials pointed to the oath of office, which obligates both members of Congress and the President to uphold and defend the constitution.

“Treason is right there in the Constitution, it’s black-and-white,” said one official.  “I took an oath too. The only difference is that I take my oath very seriously.”

 

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Category: Current Events, Humor, Politics

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is a full-time wage slave and part-time philosopher, writing and living just outside Omaha with his lovely wife and two feline roommates.

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