Faux News Report: Fanatics against Ruminant Terrorism

January 16, 2012 | By | Reply More

I offer this report from Missouri-Faux News:

Missouri residents outraged over recent deaths and injuries to Missouri motorists in collisions with deer have banded together to form Fanatics against Ruminant Terrorism (FART). Missouri FART Spokesman, former State Senator Chuck Purgason, had this to say: “Look, I know my only claim to fame is making fart noises during Governor Holden’s State of the State speech but, we have to stop these ruminant terrorists roaming Missouri from killing and maiming our citizens willy-nilly!”

FART was started by Purgason and other concerned fanatics to put an end to vehicle and deer collisions in Missouri. There are thousands of collisions yearly between deer and motorists and Missouri, some resulting in deaths. Nationally, there were nearly 1.1 million collisions between deer and vehicles between July 10, 2010 and June 30, 2011.  See here and here.

FART has put out a publication called FART News which details the dangers of ruminant terrorism in Missouri.

It’s mostly about sex” says FART spokesman Purgason. “In the latter parts of November, deer go into rut and forget about anything except getting laid and commit suicide by abandoning any caution in their pursuit of coitus.

FART News also details many accidents in Missouri that have resulted in death or other serious injuries involving collisions between deer and vehicles. FART also issues cautionary instructions for avoiding deer bent upon suicide attacks upon Missouri motorists. According to FART:

Be especially alert at dawn and dusk, when deer are particularly active. Watch for more than one deer. Deer seldom travel alone, so if one crosses the road, others usually follow. Remember deer are most active between 6 and 9 p.m. Motorists should slow down near wooded areas or green spaces like parks and golf courses, and near water sources such as streams or ponds. Motorists should never swerve to avoid hitting deer. Most serious accidents with deer occur when motorists swerve and collide with another vehicle or run off the road and hit another obstacle. Heed deer crossing signs, watch for the reflective eyes of deer alongside the road, and use bright lights when deer are spotted. Car-mounted deer whistles are not particularly effective, so observe all the rules of deer/car safety. As always, wear your seat belt. If you hit a deer, pull onto the shoulder, use emergency flashers and watch for traffic before exiting the vehicle. Many people are struck by other motorists after exiting their vehicles to inspect damage or to try to remove the dead or injured deer. Call for emergency assistance if the deer is blocking traffic or report the death of the deer if it is on the side of the road. Some states do require you to report the accident if it involves a fatality of an animal, know your state’s laws about reporting such accidents.

Missouri and America need to put down these terrorist deer which “have caused more deaths nationally each year than deaths each year by human terrorists since the US started keeping such statistics in 1960,” exclaimed Purgason. “The libertarian Cato Institute did a study of these deaths and told me so!”

Some commentators have wondered why terrorist deer have escaped scrutiny for so long if they have killed more Americans every year than human terrorists since 1960. “It’s that damned Disney and its “Bambi” franchise!” says conservative calumnist Charles Krauthammer. “Who can overcome some 40 years of left wing liberal bias in favor of deer in the mainstream media?”

Others have decried Purgason’s final solution and have instead proposed the immediate and indefinite preventative detention of all suspected terrorist deer in some other place than US soil. Animal advocates have come forward to oppose Purgason’s idea as ridiculous.

“It would be sinful to slaughter millions of innocent animals just because we aren’t smart enough to keep out of their way at certain times of the year,” said one animal activist who requested anonymity because of prior threats. “Better we should put them on preserves or reservations under the benign neglect of the Department of the Interior.”

“Better we kill all the deer than suffer more deaths like on 9/11!” said former Republican Mayor of New York and perennial gadfly Rudolph Giuliani.

“It would cost billions, even trillions to get rid or lock up of the many tens of millions of deer in the US,” said chief chicken hawk, war criminal and former Republican Vice President Dick Cheney. “We must do whatever it takes to hire however many low paid non-union workers to incarcerate these deer without hearing or to simply have the US Armed Forces execute them anywhere in America, to protect America! Obama will never do what it takes to stop deer terrorism!”

Others have pointed out that many deer populations move with food availability and travel easily across borders.

“If there’s a problem, it’s the illegal alien deer causing it,” said suspended and soon to be fired for racism MSNBC commentator Pat Buchanan. “The problem isn’t the deer we have here but, the ones that just walk across our borders with Canada or swim the Rio Grande River from Mexico. We need secure borders to protect America from these illegal, predatory deer!”

No definitive study of the deer involved in deer/vehicle accidents has been done which has caught the attention of some in Washington. “We need to get the DNA of these terrorist deer and match that with the populations of the deer in Mexico and Canada to make sure where these suicidal bambis are coming from to kill and injure innocent Americans,” said Republican Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. “We don’t want foreign terrorist deer coming over here and pulling the plug on grandma!” Iowa ranks second in the nation after West Virginia in annual deer/vehicle collisions.

Missouri and America need to take immediate action to keep us safe from terrorist deer,” says Purgason “There can be no more farting around on the important issue of stopping the ruminant terrorist threat here and across the country.

Purgason says has formed a non-profit advocacy group, FART GPS, which will soon receive some tens of millions in contributions to spend as the multi-millionaire donor brothers who gave him the money direct to stop candidates and groups opposing his and their agenda.


Category: Humor, Politics

About the Author ()

imothy E. Hogan is a trial attorney, a husband, a father of two awesome children and a practicing Roman Catholic in St. Louis, Missouri. Mr. Hogan has done legal and political work in Jefferson City, Missouri for partisan and non-partisan social change, environmental and consumer protection groups. Mr. Hogan has also worked for consumer advocate Ralph Nader in Washington, DC and the members of the trial bar in the State of New York. Mr. Hogan’s current interests involve remaining a full time solo practitioner pioneer on the frontiers of justice in America, a good husband and a good father to his awesome children.

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