Archive for January 13th, 2011
Now Hiring U.S. Senators and Representatives
We are in desperate need for honest and intelligent citizens of the United States to apply for the jobs of Senators and Representatives as specified in Article I of the United States Constitution.
Job Duty: To do anything necessary to keep getting re-elected.
- You must be willing to raise $1,000,000 every two years ($10,000/week for a Representative) or $6,000,000 every six years (about $20,000/week for Senator). To raise one million dollars, you can either convince 10,000 citizens to give you $100 each or you can make secret promises to a few hundred large corporations. It’s your choice.
- You must be willing to vote to pass 2,000-page hyper-technical and incoherent bills that were drafted by corporate lobbyists.
- You must spend most of your time on the job secretly promising favors to large companies and asking them for money, while simultaneously denying to your constituents that you’ve made secret promises.
- You must be willing to expose yourself, your family and your friends to the constant risk of being shot by incoherent disgruntled people.
- You must be willing to find a way to avoid spending time with lower-class and middle-class Americans.
- You must be willing to expose yourself to constant ridicule and false charges trumped up by the media to sell advertisements. Everything embarrassing you’ve ever done will appear in national publications, especially if it is irrelevant to the issues facing this country.
- Once you start campaigning for the very first time, you must agree to stop talking candidly about anything.
- You must support America’s war-machine or else you will be called a traitor and run out of office.
- You must be willing to expose your family and your closest friends to massive invasions of their privacy.
- You must pretend to explain and solve complex social issues using only 8-second sound bites.
- You must be willing to expose yourself to scandalous and false Swift-Boating attacks.
- Your door must always be open to lobbyists for banks, insurance companies and telecoms.
- To win re-election, you must get down in the dirt and personally hurl false charges against your opponent, because the ends will justify the means.
- You must constantly speak of our duty to our children while simultaneously crushing the next generation with federal debt, and providing the nation’s children with terrible educations.