Scientist finds all missing links. Evolution proved. Churches scheduled to close.

October 13, 2009 | By | 7 Replies More
Image by Kevindooley on Creative Commons

Image by Kevindooley on Creative Commons

Assimulated Press – Tempe, Arizona

In a discovery that not even the most optimistic scientist would ever have predicted, all of the transitional forms necessary to prove that evolution is indeed a fact have been found in one location. In a strange twist of fate, it was a Creationist scientist who found the fossils.

Uncovered over the course of several years at one extensive archeological dig in Arizona were all the so-called “missing links” needed to show that man has indeed evolved from simpler primate ancestors and that we are kin to all other primates, mammals and indeed every living thing on the planet.

At a press conference on Monday, chief archeologist Matthew Christiansen of the Creation Science Foundation stated, “I really didn’t expect to find these fossils. Genesis says that we were created separate from the animals but even I can’t deny this evidence. People can now stop saying that evolution is ‘only a theory’ because it isn’t. It’s a fact. We now have all the complete sets of fossilized transitional forms that we need. There are no gaps. This case is closed.”

The news has sent Jewish synagogues and Christian churches around the world into a frenzy. Rabbi Eli Weinstein of the Beth Shalom Israel synagogue in New York put it this way, “Those of us who accepted the traditional account of seven day creation as true are devastated. Proof of evolution means that Genesis is wrong which means that God doesn’t exist. I guess I’m out of a job!”

One former church member who preferred to remain anonymous told reporters. “Sure I was upset at first but then I sodomized a child and killed a guy. It was liberating! Now I know how atheists have felt all these years. No one’s watching me. Anything goes!”

Another member had this to say, “ I’m disgusted! I don’t like to think that I’m related to a smelly, hairy stupid ape but I should have known all along that it was true. Have you SEEN my cousin Clyde? You could style his back hair!”

All around the world missionaries are being called home. Homeless shelters and counseling services are being discontinued. Soup kitchens and food banks are closing. Money given to religious charities is being returned to the donors. A spokesman for the Christian Hunger Relief Fund said, “There’s no reason to do good works anymore because there’s no reward at the end of it all. What’s the point?”

Churches and synagogs have begun closing their doors stating that there is no reason for them to continue to operate now that we finally know for sure there is no God. Many churches have already been converted into bowling alleys and movie theaters.

There have been several suicides reported as a direct result of the news but not as many as experts had predicted.

(This is a satire. No one thinks that this would happen if evolution were proved.)


Tags: , , , , ,

Category: Culture, Evolution, Humor, Meaning of Life, Media, Religion, Science, Whimsy

About the Author ()

Mike Pulcinella is a documentary filmmaker.

Comments (7)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Dan Klarmann says:

    I've never met a Jewish Creationist. Do they really exist?

  2. Call it "poetic license".

  3. Jay says:

    This dude is a major tool bag! The funny thing is this finding actually hurts the evolution theory. How many of the last findings were actually accurately depicted?

  4. Tim Hogan says:

    Hey, you immoral nihilist atheists are saved whether you want to be or not!

    How's that for hell, eh?

  5. Jay Fraz says:

    Jay : Ya know, this may be off topic, uh huh huh, but when I read your post all I could hear was, huh huh huh, Butt-head's voice reading it with uh huh huhs inserted in their…I said butt!

  6. Jay wrote: "This dude is a major tool bag!"

    Who is a tool bag, Jay? You do realize that this piece is a joke, right?

  7. paulo says:

    to tim hogan,first who says all atheists are nihilist? morality is common sense, and if anything christians and creationist have less morals because they are only concerned with themselves and they're personal religious beliefs, while atheist are atheist because they are against taking one side of the story, pressing their views on everyone, and then starting arguments and warfare over something as stupid as religion. second gods not real. prove me wrong i dare you.

Leave a Reply