George, meet Barry. Now sod off.

January 21, 2009 | By | 6 Replies More

Don’t let the White House door hit you in the arse on the way out. On the other hand, I hope someone jams your pinky finger in it. And smacks you in the nuts with an army boot.

But, seriously, now that he’s gone, I guess we can’t rag on Dubya anymore. Sure, he’s given the world enough material (both unintentionally comedic, in a painful, Ricky-Gervais/Steve Carell-in-The-Office kind of way as well as just plain tragic) to last the next 8 years, but have pity – he’s unemployed now. He’s likely to stay that way too – given his oratory skills it’s doubtful he’ll be able to make a living on the lucrative public-speaking circuit like his silver-tongued predecessor Bubba Clinton. But hey, there’s always Pop to turn to. Hell, who do you think got him his last job? And the one before that? Oh well, he’s got plenty of time to work on his golf game – and no pesky-ass reporters asking him about boring shit like wars or deficits or hurricanes or drowned cities.

Anyway, there’s a new kid in town. A handsome chap who can – get this – string a few words together. Words that make grammatical sense as well as express all the stuff the world (and America) has wanted to hear from a US President for a while now. He’s resilient too. On his way to the Oval Office, Barry Hussein Obama managed to stride with class past all kinds of accusations from his desperate opponents: that he’s a Marxist; that he’s pro-abortion for everyone whether you want it or not; that he’s a secret Muslim; that he’s an Arab; that (and this was really stretching it) he’s not even a US citizen and therefore ineligible to be President in the first place. I suppose those people forgot that Hawaii, Bazza’s home state, is actually part of the US, even though it’s not physically attached (Alaska’s separated from the US by several million Canadians, but that didn’t stop people voting for Klondike Barbie, the beehived moose-shootin’ halfwit in Tina Fey glasses who couldn’t even lie & name just one newspaper – then accused the media of entrapment. Did she have a running mate? Some old guy? Meh. Whatever.). I’m also wondering why those desperate Republicans thought the possibility of Barry being an Arab or a Muslim would automatically make him an evil ayatollah-in-waiting, ready at a moment’s notice to impose an Islamic theocracy on the US, burn everyone’s Bibles, make everyone get gay-married and abort their third-trimester babies for the glory of Allah and Karl Marx. Hmmm…I think some people got a little confused there. Hell, I’m a bit confused myself.

In the end it all turned out great for Barry & Mimi O and the First Daughters, despite all the head-explodey brain-vomit from the nutjobs who couldn’t even mount an attack more damaging than “Dear lord, his middle name is ‘Hussein’ – RUN for your LIVES!” The other day (you may have seen it on the news) the O’s had themselves a big party with movie stars & pop stars & two million of their closest friends (& fricking Bono of course – he wasn’t invited, but just try and keep that bloke & his blarney away from a microphone and a captive audience) and then they got to ride in what must be The World’s Most Pimping Bulletproof Cadillac, which musta been just swell.

But now, after a totally sweet speech, the hard work begins. And “hard” barely even scratches the surface – George and his team basically wiped their arses on America for eight years and left Barry holding one worn-out toothbrush with which to clean everything up. Team Bush’s parting shot, the current financial crisis (brought about in part by George and his pals making life easier for themselves at the expense of pretty much everyone on the planet who isn’t a CEO) is the economic equivalent of leaving a massive hangover-turd in Barry’s new Presidential bedroom. With only one box of Kleenex on the dresser! Classy, George. Real nice.

So, anyway: the new guy’s got his work cut out for him. I don’t think anyone with a shred of realistic objectivity thinks the big O is some kind of political messiah, but hey – the guy can talk English proper where George, obviously, had it as a second language (I’ll take submissions on what George’s first language might be). Barry O says the things people want to hear (and says them well), he represents a lot of what people find great about America and¬†President Obama¬†even has daughters who aren’t running around binging on alcopops and flashing their gear all over the place (but give ’em time – they’re not even in high school yet).

But Big O’s definitely going to be pushing shit uphill for the next four years and he’ll need serious intestinal fortitude. I for one hope he doesn’t take any easy, quick-fix options. America needs more than a new lick of paint, it needs the kind of fixin’ that crappy old houses on renovation shows need: re-stumping, new floorboards, bi-fold doors leading to a new deck, a cubby for the kids with violently orange beanbags, plasma screen & PS3 in it, the kitchen walls painted in pistachio, a themed water feature and a wee day bed-equipped gazebo thatched with authentic Balinese thatching stuff. Hell, maybe one day the O’s will return home blindfolded from a state visit, that blokey tool-belt bloke off the telly will yell “surprise” and they’ll find their America has been backyard-blitzed while they were off begging Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez for some more heating oil. Baz will be agape, the kids will jump up and down & squeal, the First Dog will hump the handyman’s dog to everyone’s amusement, Mrs O will start blubbing and whichever blond pint-size who’s hosting the show that week will give her a big ol’ bear-hug like they’ve been best gal-pals since primary school. And Everything Will Be Fine!

Or maybe Baz will be just another Democrat president in the mold of a Kennedy or Clinton: a little more careful on the cash side of things; a bit more discrete when it comes to razing poor foreign peoples’ villages to the ground; a little more eloquent when justifying his administration’s reflexive support of and sucking up to the usual suspects like those affable, head-removing, woman-hating, oil-filthy scamps, the Saudis.

Can we see that happening? Yes we can.

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Category: Current Events, Humor, Politics

About the Author ()

Hank was born of bird-watching bushwalking music-loving parents from whom he gained his love of nature, the universe & bicycles. Today he's a musician, non-profit aid worker, beagle keeper and fair & balanced internet commentator - but that just means he has a chip on each shoulder.

Comments (6)

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  1. Erich Vieth says:

    Barack Obama is now in charge. In one of his first acts:

    "As of today, lobbyists will be subject to stricter limits than under any … other administration in history," Obama told reporters as he signed the new rules. The restrictions included a ban on gifts by lobbyists to anyone serving in the administration."

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/21/obamas-g

    This is a terrific beginning. Just think about this for a second or two. How could it possibly be that a lobbyist ever had any legitimate need to give "gifts" to any politician or any employee of the government? There is no valid reason for this practice. If a lobbyist wants to show appreciation to a government official, write him/her a thank you note. There's no need for gifts of any type and any value.

    Obama's decision to implement a new no-gift rule is thus bitter-sweet. It's wonderful to have the new guy come in and do what should have been done hundreds of years ago. On the other hand, it speaks to the high level of corruption and dysfunction of our government that such a practice could have existed in the first place.

    May Obama invoke many additional needed changes that others before him haven't fully considered! In short, Obama is already looking like a qualitative change, rather than merely a matter a degree.

  2. Hank says:

    Nice one Bazza. The whole lobbyist system in the US always struck me as legalised bribery and long overdue for an overhaul. Even if everyone concerned was, against all probability, behaving in the most responsible way possible, the system was so wide open to abuse and corruption I'm surprised it persisted as it did for so long.

  3. Niklaus Pfirsig says:

    This morning, Obama began plans to shut down the detention at Gitmo, and to restrict the methods used for interrogation to those allowed under internation law.

    The Bush administration, through it's shoot first and ask questions later style of defense, has made America into the schoolyard bully, and the rest of the world has started to gang up on us as a result, making the US much less secure in the process. The US has wasted 8 years by often doing the opposite of what it says it stands for. We need to prove by our actions that we believe in democracy and freedom and not just say we do.

  4. Kenny Celican says:

    You… you… *deep breath*

    First, very nice insignts.

    Next, even if that last item happens, at least we'll have classy slick evil instead of trailer trash evil running the show for a while.

    Finally, the reason for the stutter – from now and forever more I will be unable to look on or think about Obama without envisioning him as Roger Smith (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBigO)

  5. Hank says:

    Darn right Kenny. It seems that's pretty much been the choice in a lot of Presidential elections lately anyway: halfwitted ten-gallon-hat evil or evil in a nice suit who can dance, talk purty or get laid at work.

    Big O – sounds like a great show. I'll have to find me some.

  6. Niklaus Pfirsig says:

    In a few years, there may be A G.W. Bush library, just as soon as he finishes colorin the rest of the "pitchurz in thuh secund" book!!! (rim-shot, followed by groans from most of the audience along with rotten produce, half full beer bottles and an occasional bullet from the ultra-cons in the back)

    Oops, a bit of brain flatulence…

    GWB could stand for George W. Bush, and it can also stand for Gay White Boy.

    Sorry about that, my mind wandered off for a bit and I had to go catch it before it got lost.

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