Archive for January 21st, 2009
As (to the best of my knowledge – please correct me if I’m wrong) I’m the only Aussie here, I thought I’d give you a quick primer on the land of my birth. But not by my own hand. I’d just bugger it up.
Douglas Adams, writer of the five-part and inaccurately-named Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy Trilogy, seemed to equally adore and fear this wide brown land and penned the following survival guide to Australia, pre-dating Lonely Planet by many years and being a lot more accurate with the information he provided. Except for the bit about snakes: Australia is crawling with the bastards. Of the top dozen deadly snake species on this planet, we have more or less all of them. But I can forgive Douglas a small error. After all, it’s impolite to call attention to the grievous errors of a deceased person. Unless they’re named Hitler.
[Photo: Douglas Adams signing books (2000). (from Wikimedia Commons)]
Anyway, without further ado, I present:
DOUGLAS ADAMS’ GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the Bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this . . .
Don’t let the Whitehouse door hit you in the arse on the way out. On the other hand, I hope someone jams your pinky finger in it. And smacks you in the nuts with an army boot.
But, seriously, now that he’s gone, I guess we can’t rag on Dubya anymore. Sure, he’s given the world enough material (both unintentionally comedic, in a painful, Ricky-Gervais/Steve Carell-in-The-Office kind of way as well as just plain tragic) to last the next 8 years, but have pity – he’s unemployed now. He’s likely to stay that way too – given his oratory skills it’s doubtful he’ll be able to make a living on the lucrative public-speaking circuit like his silver-tongued predecessor Bubba Clinton. But hey, there’s always Pop to turn to. Hell, who do you think got him his last job? And the one before that? Oh well, he’s got plenty of time to work on his golf game – and no pesky-ass reporters asking him about boring shit like wars or deficits or hurricanes or drowned cities.
Yes, the Bush Administration is now gone, with Bush himself finally helicoptered out. And just look at this exquisite satellite photo of yesterday’s crowd for the swearing in! We’d like to think that the American people have now seen the light, and that we can now rationally approach solutions to the massive problems we now [...]