Time for introverts to come out of the closet
In his article in The Atlantic, Jonathan Rauch really hit the nail on the head with his description of introversion :
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice? If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren’t caring for him properly.
It’s embarrassing to be one of the last to know. I’m 51 and I’ve always prided myself at taking the time to learn about the inner workings of human cognition. My own way of processing information should not have so easily slipped under my own radar. Further, over the years, hundreds of people have plainly told me that my way of thinking is “different” Without really understanding why, I’ve developed dozens of ready-to-roll reasons for declining social gatherings, especially where I suspect that chit-chat (gossip, television & movies, sports) will prevail. When I can’t get out of such gatherings, I commonly feel the anxiety building. I’ve never tolerated gatherings of people (especially large gatherings) as well as most others. I do need people, though, and I seek them out, but only in measured doses.
I’ve known and used the term “introvert” for many years, but I’m only now beginning to understand the full consequences of being an introvert. Until recently, I merely understood that I am not as comfortable spending time with people. I didn’t realize (as Rauch details in his article), that introverts can pay a huge price, psychologically and physiologically, if they socialize beyond their limit. The effects of their introversion also go far beyond socializing.
Recently, I’ve taken a few tests to see whether I’m introverted (see below). It turns out that I’m off-the-charts introverted. Hence, my compelling interest in this topic.
I’ve recently read some other materials on “Introversion.” It’s been incredible to learn that experts on introversion, people who have never met me, understand me so well. It feels like decades of my frustration have been explained. Then again, “explanation” is a loaded word. Despite my recent foray into some serious literature on introversion, I don’t really know why I’m an introvert. Instead, I’ve merely come to realize that many other people (apparently 25% of the population) respond to gatherings of people much like I do. Though I don’t really know why I am the way I am, I know that this “thing” is a commonly-encountered constellation of traits, emotions and impulses. I now realize that what I have is one of the many forms of normalcy.
Howard Gardner touched on this issue of introversion when he included inter-personal intelligence as one of his multiple intelligences. Extroversion does, indeed, seem to be a specialized set of skills that qualifies as a distinct form of intelligence. People who excel at math don’t necessarily have proficient social skills and vice-versa.
Marti Laney, a self-described introvert, dug deeply into this topic of introversion, resulting in her 2002 book, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World.
Although Laney’s advice is sometimes a bit too predictable, her descriptions of introversion are insightful and detailed. She notes that many introverts struggle when they judge themselves to the numerous extroverts in their homes, schools and workplaces. They end up criticizing themselves for their own introverted qualities. When they take the time to learn about introversion, they end up relieved to hear that their brains are merely different (not inferior) to those of the extroverts and that their way of thinking even offers some advantages over the techniques usually used by extroverts. They also learned that their introversion will affect numerous areas of their life. They learn that their introversion might well be the cause for the common experience of feeling “drained and over-stimulated.”
Here is Laney’s description of introverts:
The strongest distinguishing characteristic of introverts is their energy source: introverts draw energy from the internal world of ideas, emotions and impressions. They are energy conservers. They can be easily over-stimulated by the external world, experiencing the uncomfortable feeling of “too much.” This can feel like antsyness or torpor. In either case, they need to limit their social experiences so they don’t get drained. However, introverts need to balance their alone time with outside time, or they can lose other perspectives and connections. Introverted people who balance their energy and have perseverance and the ability to think independently, focus deeply, and work creatively.
(p. 19). Laney makes it clear that introverts are “energized by the internal world–by ideas, impressions and emotions.” She warns, however, that introverts are not necessarily quiet:
their focus is inside their heads. They need a quiet, reflective place where they can think things through and recharge themselves. . .. introverts enjoy complexity when they can focus on one or two areas, without pressure. But if they have too many projects, they easily feel overwhelmed.
Just being around people can be overstimulating to introverts. Their energy is drained in crowds, classes, or any noisy or invasive environment. They may like people very much, but after talking to anyone, they usually begin to feel the need to move away, take a break, and get some air. This is the reason for their mind/vapor-lock experience. . . . When overstimulated, the introvert’s mind can shut down, saying, “no more input, please.” It goes dark.
Introverts like depth and will limit their experiences but feel each of them deeply. Often, they have fewer friends but more intimacy. They like to delve deeply into topics and look for “richness” more than “muchness.” This is why it’s necessary to limit their topics to one or two, or they can become overwhelmed. Their mind absorbs information from the outside environment and then reflects on it and expands it. And long after they have taken in the information, they are still munching and crunching it–a little like cows chewing their cud.
Extroverts think and talk all at one time. It is effortless to them. In fact, things become clearer as they speak out loud. Introverts, on the other hand, need time to think and don’t speak with spontaneity unless it’s a familiar subject. Introverts can appear cautious or passive to extroverts.
Introverts, Jung wrote, conserve their energy, have fewer children, have more ways of protecting themselves, and live longer. Because they appreciate a simpler life, make intimate attachments, and plan and reflect on new ways of doing things, they encourage others to be prudent, develop self-reflection, and think before acting.
Laney recognizes that introverts are often confused, that they sometimes enjoy socializing and noisy and overcrowded groups, while at other times, they are overwhelmed and depleted. This is not unusual, in her research. Introverts can do quite well in social situations, at least for relatively shorter intervals than extroverts, as long as they have a chance to get away from people to recharge and rest. Starting on page 163 of her book, Laney offers numerous suggestions for getting out of social occasions or limiting one’s participation in such gatherings.
Laney strongly encourages introverts to come clean with their extrovert friends and co-workers. This will avoid misunderstandings and facilitate working relationships, in her view.
Laney isn’t the only person riding on this topic, of course. Nor does she speak for everyone else who writes about those people like me who get overwhelmed in social situations. Elaine Aron would prefer to characterize introverts as a common type of a person who is highly sensitive. A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) “has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.”
On her website, Aron offers a test for determining whether you’re a highly sensitive person. Here are some of the characteristic behaviors of highly sensitive people:
Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?
Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?
Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?
According to Aron, not all highly sensitive people are introverts. But then again, Aron and Laney have much overlap in the people they are attempting to assist and the type of advice they are offering:
[I]n the past HSPs have been called “shy,” “timid,” “inhibited,” or “introverted,” but these labels completely miss the nature of the trait. Thirty percent of HSPs are actually extraverts. HSPs only appear inhibited because they are so aware of all the possibilities in a situation. They pause before acting, reflecting on their past experiences. If these were mostly bad experiences, then yes, they will be truly shy. But in a culture that prefers confident, “bold” extraverts, it is harmful as well as mistaken to stigmatize all HSPs as shy when many are not.
I have a long way to go in reviewing this literature of people that remind me of myself. Stumbling upon this topic has been a real eye-opener for me. I am sharing it now, in this form (not thoroughly chewed like cud), with the hope that there are others like me out there who could use a little reassurance and encouragement regarding the way your mind works. It’s that “thing” that makes your life, in equal parts, more frustrating and enriching.
- Frans de Waal responds to conservatives who try to shove bonobos back into the closet
- Representative Pete Stark comes out of that OTHER closet
- Beware of your vain brain. Don’t let optimism lead you astray.
- What to do about people who are chatterboxes
- The Great Discrimination Guessing Game!
Category: Psychology Cognition
Given research done and “treatment” received, I appear to be an INTP, borderline aspy, and diagnosed bipolar2.
I find contact with neurotypicals unhygenic — let them blab, congregate, pray, wave flags, and glory in family values.
It’s “their” world I’ve had to inhabit, to adapt myself to. A world which alters with glacial slowness and often repeats itself — while processes as superficial as scientific and technological change make them giddy.
bipolar2
Thank God I found my home! I, too have read Jonathan Rauch’s article as well as the “Introvert Advantage”. I have a copy of Rauch’s article in my journal and I yank it out when I am feeling especially self-conscious about my “introverted-ness”. There is nothing worse than to go through life feeling that you are entire alone…and WEIRD. My epiphany occurred when I read the article in The Atlantic and I almost cried because for once in my life I felt validated, and God forbid…NORMAL. Actually not normal, but SPECIAL (in a good way). I full-heartedly believe that we make up a large portion of the gifted population and are some of the most creative people in this society. I work with a bunch of mindless extroverts that think if you’re not in a crowd of 30 people doing a keg-stand you are obviously a social reject and should see a shrink. It always makes me laugh when people read my emails or writing and say to me, “You wrote this? Really?” Just because we don’t say much, doesn’t me we don’t have anything to say. I think it is endearing to feel strongly about subjects you care about, to be well-read, to think before speaking…
INTROVERTS UNITE!!!!!!!!!
There should be an introvert convention. But then again, none of us would show up…hee hee.
Introvert conventions exist: Sci-Fi cons, Comic-cons, etc. You find an introvert majority wherever geeks gather.
Some of the selfproclaimed introverts here sound as if they were harboring resentments towards extroverts because those have a more developed talent to bond with other people and they feel left out. They seem to have this they’re-too-sour-for-me-anyway-attitude. An introvert with better social skills wouldn’t care that much what extroverts think about him/her. Human beings are social animals and more often than not they act like sheep in a flock, that’s how it is. If someone thinks he does not belong to a social group because he is an introvert most of the time it’s more because his social competence is too low to get into the group. If you can choose whether you want to belong or not, it’s makes a big difference how you view others.
Erich, I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog this evening. I needed some quiet time alone in my room and decided to just surf a bit. (Equally introverted hubby and I went out to dinner and both needed to “decompress” for a while!) I have been “out of the closet” for many years now, and feel absolutely blessed to be an introvert. I can be extroverted for a short time, and really enjoy myself with others, but then I need lots of time alone….or a nice quiet nap!! I love to hear other introverts stories of staying sane in this extroverted world. (I LOVE the skybox quote!!) I will continue to check back and see what else you have found.
Stormily, I will come to the convention, but when you can’t find me I will be in my room reading the copy of The Introvert Advantage that I just ordered this evening! ;^)
I am definitely not against extroverts, projektleiterin. My friends are all extroverts, and I enjoy their company (in small doses…ha ha). Perhaps my point came through a little “sour” towards extroverts, but that was not my intention. I just wanted to express the relief that I feel when I realize that my introvertedness, though self-proclaimed, is WHO I am and is the temperament that I was born with. I think personally, I can belong, in fact I do belong…but boy is it exhausting. It isn’t a lack of social skills that introverts lack, but the lack of energy to be in social situations. I believe you can choose to belong and have great social skills, but still realize that curling up with a good book is better than being amidst a group of 30 people chugging beer up-side down half-naked in a sports bar on a Friday night. Believe me, I know!
Here is an excerpt from Rauch’s “Caring for your Introvert”
“What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say “Hell is other people at breakfast.” Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.”
My realization that the term “introvert” was not a negative term, helped me to see that my lack of herd mentality is what separated me from the rest of the flock; I was innately different from the rest and it was okay. Before reading the literature available on introverts, they were all portrayed with such negativity and for once, I felt acknowledged, for I realize that introverts are not geeks, rejects, or loners…Just different…and OKAY. I am not saying extroverts are mindless – just the ones that I work with!!!
BTW, here are some famous introverts – and I don’t think you can call these geeks or social rejects by any means! Famous introverts: Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, Julia Roberts, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Clint Eastwood, Gwenyth Paltrow, Candace Bergen, Grace Kelly…the list goes on and on…WOW. I am truly proud to be a 100% self-proclaimed introvert!! Yee-haw!
Ok, I got your point, Stormily. It just seemed that many commenters were angry at extroverts and they acted as if society had been treating them as outcasts, which seems like an exaggeration.
Here’s more on introverts. Much of this comports with information you can also find in the book I recommended in the post: The Introvert Advantage. http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/
[...] generate dozens of emails every day, as well as more phone calls and conversations than this off-the-charts introvert can digest. It really does lead to a lot of stress–usually good stress, but too often, [...]
Is it possible to be both Extroverted and Introverted?
I think I am Bi -verted (a term I created).
I have been aware of the fact that I am primarilly Introverted for over 25 years. I am a 50 yo male, I own a business and work primarilly in sales. I learned 20 years ago about Introversion / Extroverson and also learned how to alter my personality to conform to the Extroverted world of business.
Over the years, I have been so successful at altering my personality. I have now taken on Extroverted characteristics or tendancies as part of my own personality.
One seemingly new characteristic is outward verbal expression of very personal thoughts and concepts. The very thoughts most of my Introverted friends and associates would consider private thoughts or as one of my buddies refers to them “inside thoughts”.
I was raised in a family of Extroverts that practiced this seemingly unique from of expression. I can remember as a child and young man being very embarrased by my family and their willingness to verbalize openly every thought that came to mind. As if they could not think in their own heads. They had to get the words out..obtain reaction from others and continue this process or loop as some twisted form of communcation and thought process merged into one.
The problem is that I find myself doing more of this same form of outward expression without thought. I believe this to be a by-product of my adaptation to the Extroverted business world. Or perhaps it is just surpressed patterned family behavior coming out.
Bottom line, through the process of adaptation to the Extroverted world, I have become more like Extroverts in the way I now express inner thoughts outwardly. Sometimes much to my Introverted friends shock and at times less than enthusiastic reaction.
I still exhibit many of the typical Introverted characteristics. I still need downtime to recharge after long periods ( 1 – 2 ) days of steady exposure to the Extroverted world. I also struggle with parties and social events but to a lesser degree than when I was younger. I now require lots of pre-social / party planning, advance writing of topics and notes of things to say. I also find social events very draining if not due to the event, certainly due to all the pre-event planning.
I also now find being among the Extroverts exhilarating and I am drawn to that world like a moth to a flame. However, at my core I am an introvert and like the moth there’s a real downside and price to be paid when you have too much exposure to the flame.
Am I alone in my “Bi-Verted” characteristics? I am curious to know.
RobK writes:—”Am I alone in my “Bi-Verted” characteristics? I am curious to know.”
Absolutely not. I have been a classic introvert most of my life (I’m 54 now), yet have found it possible to “step into character” as an extrovert given certain situations. I’ve performed on stage, worked retail (successfully) and now do public speaking. I have worked ardently to overcome what I called “Sudden Death Shyness” because it has been an impediment, socially and career-wise, and have managed to create a persona that works quite well.
Once in a while, though, it reappears. Certain people enter a room, and suddenly I’m tongue-tied and fumbling and I must leave. I get very upset with myself at these times and realize that somehow, something way back in the past, set my workings at introversion, and everything since has been an effort to get over it.
Many people who know me are always surprised to hear this.
Here’s a good summary of how to communicate with introverts like me: http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_introverts_communicate
Here’s the basic summary:
Mark, Robk: Introverts often face public speaking, sales and other such social interactions quite handily. I always like to emphasize in my mind that introverted /= shy. When talking and socializing involves the delight of reveling in private thoughts and ideas, introverts can really shine.
I definitely identify with what both of you have described. I get worn out, or become totally uninteresting and awkward if I have too much one-on-one time with a stranger, or too much vapid chit-chat at a party or other gathering. However, I have a knack for giving presentations, teaching, and expressing myself in a more one-sided interaction. I also can talk for hours on end with someone if they are intellectually engaging and/or familiar. I can even be a ‘life of the party’ type, though it gets tiresome eventually.
And like you mentioned, Mark, most people fail to ‘read’ me as an introvert until I tell them. I think it’s because people still equate introversion with shyness and social anxiety. How can someone who loves to joke, socialize and prattle on about politics at length be a shy lil’ introverted wallflower? The problem in perception is that most people don’t know what an introvert truly is. Hence the need for introverts to ‘come out’.
I revisited the Rauch article. He makes the point that introverts understand extroverts, but extroverts don’t get introverts:
“Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. . . . Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.”
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/
[...] can be generated by spending time with others. Those who like to spend considerable time alone (I know one of them) have often been perceived as less happy. That characterization is not necessarily accurate, [...]
As indicated in this post, I discovered several decades too late that I am off the charts introverted. Since making this discovery, I have kept my eye open for information about introverts. The February 2009 edition of Psychology Today has a few additional bits of advice for introverts.
In a short article titled “Self-Promote (The Introverts Edition) (page 25), the author recaps some advice given by Nancy Ancowitz, the author of Self-Promotion for Introverts. Ancowitz indicates that bragging is repulsive to introverts, but that introverts nonetheless need to get out there and let people know what they can do. She suggests that introverts are more inclined to rely on writing, and they tend to excel at it. Therefore, they should utilize this inclination and skill. She indicates that public speaking is also a terrific tool for introverts, especially when they have the opportunity to prepare beforehand. This allows them to “reach lots of people rather than having many conversations, which tires us.” Additionally, Ancowitz recommends that introverts remain visible to their superiors and colleagues by consciously working to exchange niceties and by showing interest in them.
Another article in the same edition of Psychology Today concerns introverts: “After the Noise: How Your Personality Affects the Way You Respond to Unwanted Sound.” (Page 48). The author indicates that extroverted people often do well in noisy backgrounds (for instance, with the television on). Extroverts often require more stimulation, and they often get a lot done in loud offices. Introverts, on the other hand, require lots of personal space. When noise levels go up (for instance, in a bar), they become uneasy. They prefer to schedule meetings in quiet and private places. Additionally, loud environments require people to crowd in closer to each other in order to hear each other, which intrudes on introverts’ senses of space.
The following is from an exchange on Facebook. First a comment from my sister Kathy:
“Erich, Although you may not believe this, I am also an introvert. I do fine in social settings once I’m there and even seek them out from time to time, but then NEED alone quiet time afterward. In those questions the only thing I am not is shy. Everything else fits. I guess there are many levels of our beingness and it’s probably hard to be in any box completely. Also, I have never witnessed you to be awkward in a social situation…”
My response:
“Kathy: Introverts regularly go on social adventures, but it tends to drain them. This describes me perfectly. Some gatherings are exciting, for awhile, but I’m ALWAYS delighted to return to solitude. It’s a misconception that introverts never enjoy social gatherings. Here’s a short quote from the main post: ‘Laney recognizes that introverts… sometimes enjoy socializing and noisy and overcrowded groups, while at other times, they are overwhelmed and depleted. This is not unusual, in her research. Introverts can do quite well in social situations, at least for relatively shorter intervals than extroverts, as long as they have a chance to get away from people to recharge and rest.’”
Introverts unite! (Quietly.)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/200908/introverts-unite-quietly
Time for me to come clean.
I am an Extrovert. (I think they had to define an extended scale on the Myers Briggs to keep me on the E/I line… I am way out there as far as the E can be). I go to parties, and I need to be dragged out (usually by my long suffering wife). I’ve learned to disengage elegantly (at least – as elegantly as a 6 ft, 230 pound Scotsman can)
But – I love to spend time alone. I enjoy being with myself. I don’t go nuts if I’m alone (or at least, not immediately). I do need my ‘personal’ time – to read, to think, to noodle on my guitar, to pretend to program, write, or sketch, or to mess with photographs.
I am very much a ‘big picture’ person – but I’ve learned to be very detail oriented (my work as a consultant demands it). I am a people person, but I’ve learned to be rule-based where necessary.
What I’ve discovered is that we humans are extremely mutable, if we allow ourselves to be.
I enjoy myself in all of my aspects. I try to enjoy others the same way.
Tony,
I would never have guessed.