I am grateful that squirrels are not carnivorous animals that prey on humans

December 21, 2006 | By | 9 Replies More

This important thought occurred to me today as I walked safely through a park.  How different things would be if packs of squirrels suddenly attacked people and devoured them?  What if squirrels (rodents of the family Sciuridae) attacked humans with such vigor that they were known as the “piranhas of the woods?” 

A stroll in the park would no longer be a stroll in the park.  We’d have to dress up in armor to go out and get the newspaper.  Professional sports teams would proudly call themselves “The Squirrels.”  And to call someone “squirrelly” might be a compliment.  But what would we do with all those acorns? 

I consider the lack of each and every bad thing to be a good thing.  If any bad thing existed, but then someone fixed that problem, we’d all celebrate.  Every day that those bad things don’t exist is a great victory, then, and we should take a moment to be grateful for every bad thing that doesn’t actually exist.  Here are a few others:

  • I’m thankful that it doesn’t cost money to poop. 
  • I’m glad that light bulbs don’t need to be buried in little coffins when they burn out.
  • I’m relieved that perspective doesn’t work in reverse, such that things looked bigger the further away they got. 
  • I’m grateful that ears are not considered “private parts,” such that we felt compelled to cover them with muffs everywhere we went.
  • And I’m thankful that sex is not spelled “sexoxlneycihweobkeiyusmsklucolehskyzsnxjkbwuhkpeiys,” which would make this fascinating topic much more difficult to talk about and write about.

That squirrels don’t actually prey on humans is an especially good thing.  There’s just too many of them out there.  It would be incredibly ugly if a pack of them decided to collaborate to clean you down to the bone. Think about it.

This concludes my appreciation therapy tonight.



Category: Whimsy

About the Author ()

Erich Vieth is an attorney focusing on consumer law litigation and appellate practice. He is also a working musician and a writer, having founded Dangerous Intersection in 2006. Erich lives in the Shaw Neighborhood of St. Louis, Missouri, where he lives half-time with his two extraordinary daughters.

Comments (9)

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  1. heartsong says:

    how do you know piranhas wouldn't be called the squirrels of the water?

  2. grumpypilgrim says:

    If squirrels were carnivorous pack animals, then one of three things would likely have happened millenia ago: we wouldn't be here, because squirrels would have hunted to extinction whatever species evolving into us; we would have slaughered squirrels the same way we have slaughtered other dangerous carnivores; or we would have domesticated squirrels the same way we have domesticated dogs. It all depends on how far we had evolved by the time we first encountered carnivorous squirrels.

  3. Dan says:

    There are so many squirrels in Calgary that if such ferociousness was the norm, no one would live here.

  4. Edgar Montrose says:

    On the topic of squirrel attacks, see this site

  5. Scholar says:

    Mayhaps the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would be required? Reminds me of the Monty Python movie "The Holy Grail" where they encounter the most vicious, vile, dangerous beast. It looks just like a fluffy cottontail rabbit, but then in a blur, it unleashes it's fury upon their throats killing them one by one in a bloody massacre. It's an instant classic, I recommend the movie. Also, they made a broadway play recently called "Spamalot", I heard it's awesome.

    here is a bonus link 🙂

  6. gatomjp says:

    "I’m thankful that it doesn’t cost money to poop."

    It DOES cost money to poop! Ask anyone who has a septic system. Even in my little apartment I get charged a "sewage fee"!

  7. Grrr says:

    Terrific replies. Heartsong, you crack me up…

  8. Erich Vieth says:

    Speaking of squirrels, this clever person put together quite a squirrel obstacle course that seems to prove that no bird feeder is actually safe. http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=

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